10 Pieces of Advice You Won’t Find in Parenting Books

I really like giving advice. Playing Dear Abby is probably my dream job. But I didn’t discover how much I like giving advice until after I became a mom. Maybe it’s a rite of passage – becoming a mom entitles you to dispense advice. I don’t know. But I try not to give it unless it’s asked for from me. Maybe it’s because I have been given some really killer advice myself. Thinking back, some of it has proven indispensable. But it wasn’t the most obvious advice that has been so valuable. It’s some of the more unusual wisdom that I want to pass along – the stuff that’s not on all the websites. I’ll start at the beginning:

1. Don’t plan too carefully when to get pregnant.
   Obviously, an unplanned pregnancy can come with all sorts of issues and concerns. But if you know you want a baby, whether it’s your first, second, third, etc., just go about trying to conceive, and don’t think too much about the ‘when’. I’ve seen it go both ways. I know someone who told me she was going to conceive her second baby within a two-month window she gave herself. I thought she was nuts. But she did! What are the chances? On the other hand, I think one of the dirty little secrets of getting pregnant is that it’s a lot harder than “Teen Mom” would lead you to believe. That’s at least been my experience, and the experience of most women I know. It can be stressful! So don’t overthink the ‘when’. Leave that to God/fate/chance.
2. Stock up on diapers in advance. Because we all know how pricy they can be! A friend of mine, who I think is more money-savvy than she knows, suggested this idea to me. Buy a box or two of diapers with each paycheck once you learn you’re expecting. (And don’t be afraid to buy bigger sizes. You’ll use them eventually.) That way, you won’t have that expense right after you bring your baby home (when you’re most likely not working). It also prevents having to run out late at night for more, which can happen if it’s your first baby and you’re not used to keeping diapers on hand. This tidbit of knowledge saved me when my son was born! Especially since my husband was working nights then and I was home alone with the baby and without a car! (We only had one at the time, which he would take to work. It was a mostly failed attempt to go green, but I’ll save that for another day.)
3. Don’t bother coming up with a birth plan. This was tricky for me because I’m a person who likes to have a plan. Always. And for everything. But I didn’t when it came to the birth of my son. Mostly because I didn’t know what to expect, so I didn’t know what would be the plan. And as it turns out, I could not have predicted what happened. I ended up having a c-section, and then my baby, just minutes old, was plucked out of my arms and whisked to the NICU. No one plans on that happening. He’s fine now. But any thoughts I might have had about his birth and the days that followed would have been disregarded. And he was a full-term baby. That wasn’t supposed to happen. So don’t waste time with a birth plan. Just do what’s healthiest for you and your child in the moment.
4. Don’t worry if you don’t feel “attached” to your baby right away. This one didn’t make a lot of sense when I was pregnant. I thought how could I not be attached to the little human that developed inside me? But a co-worker once cautioned me about the possibility. As the co-worker pointed out, a newborn baby is a tiny stranger suddenly living in your house. So I wouldn’t panic if you don’t feel instant, unconditional love. It’s more common than you would think. And while I’m pretty sure I felt attached from the get-go, my love for my son certainly has grown over time. As much as I loved him at birth, my love has grown exponentially in the time since.
5. Get your baby sleeping in his or her crib as soon as reasonable. Now I know that co-sleeping can be a divisive issue, so in the interest of full disclosure, I was a co-sleeper. I slept with my mom in her bed until I was like 11 years old! It started when I was a newborn, but that was in the early 80’s when I don’t think anyone was talking much about co-sleeping. I don’t think she set out to co-sleep, it just sort of happened. My mom was also a single parent, so it probably wouldn’t have gone on as long as it did if it weren’t just she and I in the bed. But it was, and I know how difficult it was on both of us to get me to sleep through the night in my own bed. And she was quick to remind me about it when I had a child of my own. (Mom, I didn’t need reminding.) So it was important to me that my son become an independent sleeper. Fortunately, it wasn’t difficult. He has always been a good sleeper. I know not all kids are. But I would have done whatever it took to get him to sleep through the night on his own. And I will with any more children I have. After my own experiences, co-sleeping is not on the table.
6. Keep stashes of diapers and wipes and changes of clothes EVERYWHERE. You do NOT want to get caught unprepared. It’s like getting caught in the bathroom without any more toilet paper multiplied by 100. And nobody wants to face a car ride home with a smelly, soiled child. And I’m not only looking out for myself. My husband pretty much REFUSES to go anywhere prepared. And it’s come back to bite me when I thought he had us covered and he didn’t. So stuff your purse, diaper bag, glove box, stroller, wagon, you name it.
7. Make your child eat at a table – most of the time. I think any advice about sitting down together as a family for dinner is a noble idea, but it’s not always practical. In fact, when my husband and I were working different shifts, I don’t know if my son ever ate at the table with us. But then we ran into a bit of a problem. He went through a phase where he pretty much refused to sit down to eat. He’d graze by running around and coming to the table for bites. I saw trouble brewing. So now, I serve him food at a table – whether it’s the kitchen table, coffee table, play table. So he understands sitting down to eat. And my husband and I try to sit down as a family for a meal as often as we can. It’s just not always dinner. Our son sits between us at the table, and he actually seems to enjoy it. Grazing is acceptable for small snacks.
8. Embrace the mess of your child feeding himself/herself. It’s inevitable, so go to Costco to stock up on cleaning wipes, and get over it. There’s really no other way for your kid to learn what is an essential life skill. The cleanups are easier when the child has eaten at a table (see above), but regardless, roll up your expensive Persian rug and deal with it.
9. Don’t buy your baby/toddler expensive clothes. Yes, the tiny, dapper ensemble that my husband’s cousin sent us from Janie & Jack after Drew’s birth was adorable. And even more precious because I didn’t pay for it. But he was only able to wear it once because he was a big baby. (Now he’s a big toddler.) And Drew marked that occasion with a blowout. So let your relatives splurge on the cute couture. For what mommy and daddy buy for everyday play time, stick to the $3 shorts and t-shirts from Once Upon A Child. (A lot of that stuff has barely been worn!)
10. Don’t rush into potty training. A popular school of thought is that motherhood gets easier once your child is potty-trained. It would definitely seem that way – you are no longer changing messy diapers around the clock, and you no longer have to drag diapers and wipes everywhere (see #6.) But then it was presented to me like this: Until your kid is very comfortable knowing when to go to the bathroom, which could be YEARS, you always run the risk of an accident. So you still have to leave the house prepared – or roll the dice I guess. You also have to be prepared to drop everything and get your kid to a toilet at a moment’s notice. And that’s if your kid has any interest at all in potty-training! So I was told not to sweat it that mine doesn’t. He’ll come around on his own eventually, and until then, I’m choosing to see the silver lining in his diaper.

So there you have it. Ten pieces of advice that you might not find on the pages of many parenting books. Take it or leave it. Or add to the list if you have advice to give!