The other day we were spending time with family and friends when my daughter sat up on one of the women’s laps. At two years old, she is an explosion of learning and vocabulary and was pointing out some body parts on said woman. She put her hand on the woman’s stomach and said “belly”, to which the woman corrected and lightly said, “No, that’s fat.”
My jaw dropped, my stomach turned inside out and my whole body cringed. I felt actually sick, and even just writing it now makes my stomach turn. That woman just redefined that part of the body for my daughter, which will only be reinforced over and over again as she gets older. In that moment of shock, I felt ill-equipped to speak up for my child’s innocence.
But the next time I will not withhold respectful correction and appropriate advocacy. Head, shoulders, knees, and toes need not be turned into the words flabby, fat, diet and sucking in. And it’s not just the negative words we use, we misuse positive words as well and say, “I wish I looked better”. It’s reiterating that the vague, elusive “better” is something different than we currently have. Anybody else see a breeding ground for keeping up with the Joneses in that?
It’s selfish to project our own insecurities and self-consciousness on our daughters. If we’ve got issues with the way we look, we’ve got to sort that out with a counselor, not our toddlers. And if that sounds harsh, it’s because it is. And rightfully so. It is a big freaking deal to me that my girls grow up without other people’s junk defining things for them. They will end up with enough of their own junk to sort through. We’re all human and make bad choices and bad choices will be made against us. Therefore, for the women that are the biggest influences for my daughters, using the word “fat” or any other synonyms aren’t allowed. They will hear it enough from everywhere else surrounding them. Our daughters don’t need to have the time-honored coming-of-age welcome into womanhood of having to hate their bodies.
I’m sure that I’m not the only one that has been in a group of women while they’re all talking about the things they don’t like about themselves and so I just add something in because it’s what’s expected. Because how dare you to have an acceptable body in society’s eyes and not complain about something. Be Humble! Or how dare you have an unacceptable body and you don’t complain about it. Do better!
How dare we live with contentment. And while it’d be easy to neatly tuck this into the box of what society or the “establishment” has done to us, it’s not just them that’s given me my deepest scars. I’ve experienced significant harm by the hands and words of men, but none quite so infiltrating as the shame and wounds I’ve received from women. Nor have I been as affirmed or empowered than by the words and actions of other women. There is no better practical way to prepare our girls for this world than to give them a strong foundation. Much of that comes from what they learn just by watching and from absorbing what the women around them are doing.
Consequently, a conversation must be had with the women in our lives when we are the mothers of daughters. This can feel awkward since the person you’re talking to obviously has insecurities about this topic (who doesn’t, am I right?). And no one, certainly, says something to a child with the purpose of adding to a potential lifetime battle of shame and self-consciousness. We do it without thinking and we say these things without thinking because it’s so ingrained in us.
But I also know that we would never want any little girl to feel about herself the way we at times feel about ourselves. So while I may not be able to protect my daughters from all damaging speech and behavior, I can at least draw attention to some of the ways we can change how our bodies are talked about as a family. And bring a little more awareness to how I can be making a big time difference by talking in a positive, healthy way about my own body.
Learn to treat yourself the way you’d treat your little girl self.
Our daughters are watching.
