To Be a Good Mom, I Need To Be a Better Daughter

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We’ve all lost patience with our mothers from time to time. It happens a little too often with me. It’s not good. Not good for her, not good for me, and DEFINITELY not good for my son.

My mom and I have a great relationship. We are two peas in a pod. We share similar interests and can spend hours hanging out.  Our relationship became stronger when I became a mother.

Yet, I can be mean to my mom. What does being mean to my mother look like? It’s the short temper I have when she makes suggestions that are intended to help, but come across as frustrating to me. It’s taking things out on her. Most of the time she’s not even the reason I am upset. It’s a personality quirk of hers that I am quick to criticize. It’s textbook, run of the mill mother/daughter dynamics. Since we spend so much time together, the conflicts happen frequently.

A lot of it plays into the fact that for a very long time, all we had was each other. I’m an only child. My parents divorced when I was young, and very shortly after their separation, my mother and I moved out of state. She went through a lot with me: social anxiety, being bullied at school, a struggling student. I watched her undergo treatment for ovarian cancer and came face to face with my greatest fear: losing her.

Being together through a variety of challenging experiences can breed closeness, but also comfort. Maybe too much comfort. I know I can never replicate the relationship I have with my mother to the one I will have with my son. It is my wish that he feels comfortable enough with me to express anything, even if that includes dissatisfaction, but there is a line between feedback and disrespect.

I obviously want my child to respect me, but he also needs to respect his grandmother. Unnecessarily snapping at my mom in front of my son sets a terrible example for him. Nobody should be used as a “punching bag”. This reason alone is why things need to change with the way I treat my mother.

Here is what I’m starting to do. I’m taking three deep breaths and thinking before I speak each time I’m on the verge of blowing up. It might sound cliche, but taking a few moments to pause helps me assess exactly what I am upset about and if chastising my mother is the solution. (Spoiler alert: it’s not.)

I’m also seeking out mom friends.  I’m new to the area and my mom moved up from Florida to be close to my family (another reason why she deserves to be treated better). She’s a rock star in the “making friends” department and has more friends than I do.  I’ve been following her example and putting myself out there. I’m attending local mommy and me classes in addition to taking a stroller fitness class a few times a month. While I could easily spend most days with my mom, it’s important for me to have other amazing women in my life.

One thing I’ve learned since becoming an adult and even more so now that I am a mother is that parents are human. Mistakes are constantly being made. Heck, I make them every day, and will continue to make them the rest of my life. My son will come to this realization too.

I hope he will learn this lesson a little quicker than I did.

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