The Coffee Potty {You Know You are Curious}

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There was definitely no one more terrified to give birth than me.

Honestly. I tell everyone now “if I can do it, literally ANYONE can.” I just am a big wuss and have zero tolerance for pain. On a “nervousness to give birth” rating scale 0-10, I would probably have been, oh, a 90.

So when my son was almost a week past his estimated due date, I was secretly kind of happy. Of course, I was super uncomfortable and waddling around like a penguin and every time I went to the bathroom I was sure I was going to see a tiny hand waving at me saying “Hi Mom!” because he felt like he was going to fall out of me at any second. But when I went in for my last appointment and they checked me (aren’t THOSE’ fun ones…) they said “Nope! Nothing. Not even dropped or dilated. This baby is not going anywhere anytime soon!” They scheduled me for some Cervadil (also another fun one…) that following Monday and sent me on my way.

Of course, when you go past your due date, everyone and their freaking mother is texting, calling and checking in on you to see if the baby is out yet. I would wake in the morning to a million texts of “that baby here yet?!?!?” I wanted to scream and send back a snarky reply that I could blame on hormones, but instead, I would politely respond with “nope…still pregnant.”

In these “thoughtful” text messages I also found that everyone likes to give their two cents about how to go into labor. You know the classics.  Eat spicy food! Go walking! Have sex! Ugh.

Then, one of my friends sent me a text saying that a friend of hers SWORE by this thing called the “coffee potty.” Put her into labor right away with both of her kids.

Now, keep in mind I’m secretly terrified about giving birth, so I’m ok with the fact that the baby is still in there…but I’m intrigued.

I googled “coffee potty.”

Here’s what I found:

You basically take your vagina to the spa. A spa that is your toilet. And you take coffee grinds and put them in a bowl and float them in your toilet and then pour boiling hot water on them and sit over the toilet with a towel over your legs while you steam out your vagina. Your own vagina sauna!

I knew my husband would laugh in my face (as you probably are right now) if I told him about this method, but I knew my mom wouldn’t! Sure enough, I called her up and she was totally game. I drove myself to her house, she boiled up some coffee grinds, I steamed myself out for 20 minutes, and we waited. All we needed was a glass of white wine and it would have been like an afternoon at the spa!

Womp, womp…nothing happened. I kept nervously waiting for labor to kick in, but absolutely ZERO news to report. We both agreed we could never let anyone know about the absurdity of the coffee potty, and with a hug and a laugh (and small sigh of relief), I left and went back home.

Fast forward to the middle of the night.  I woke with a start and jumped out of the soaking bed. My water broke! The coffee potty worked!

I shook my husband awake and we both couldn’t believe it-it’s really baby time! Of course, he thinks my body has done this naturally…the miracle of birth…yeah, OR I steamed out my crotch and sped up the process a little. Whatever works man.

We got to the hospital and got all checked in, excitedly texting and calling our family and friends to let them know that today was the day! Baby is coming! The doctor came in to check me (again, super fun).

Doctor to nurse: “Water’s not broken. Not dropped and not dilated at all.”

Ummm…exsqueeze me?!? What has been pouring out of me for hours???

Me to the doctor: “Um…yes, I am pretty sure it has. Fluid has been coming out of me for hours.” My husband nods in agreement. That’s pretty much all he did for 3 days. A lot of nodding.

Doctor: “No, that’s just fluid. A LOT of fluid. Not sure where it’s coming from, but it’s not your broken water.”

My face turns purple and I hang my head in shame. Darn you coffee potty and your spa-like steam! Of course, I can’t relay this to my doctor, she’ll think I’m more of a nut job than she already does (and I’m not even in labor yet!).

Long story short, they were going to send me home but let me stay. Even longer story, my son was finally born that Sunday. Bottom line-he was born. How he got here… sure as hell not with much help from his crazy mom and her wacko ideas.

So, if you are getting ready to give birth, two things:

1. You CAN do it. If I can, ANYONE can.
2.  If the baby is late, let them simmer a little longer. For God’s sake, don’t try to smoke them out with coffee – go to Starbucks and drink a latte instead.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve heard of/tried to induce labor?

 

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Christie Motz
Not a Cincinnati native, but married one! Originally from Centerville, Ohio, I moved here post college (Go Bobcats!) and briefly lived in Mason before eventually making my way to Hyde Park, where I currently reside. My husband Matt and I have a fur baby, Otis, and an actual baby, Teddy, who is 18 months and the best thing to ever happen to us! We love being "on the go" and exploring all this great city has to offer! I taught kindergarten for nine years and thought I had seen it all...until I had a kid of my own. Now I'm just trying to navigate my way through the uncharted waters of motherhood the best way I know how-with a laugh and a coffee-and usually, some wine.

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