I am the proud and adoring mother of a rambunctious five-year-old boy. He is my insurance against becoming a crazy cat lady, regardless of the fact that I would never own a cat. He is also only one of the two children I had hoped and planned to have.
When W was born, I was married to his father, and there were definite plans for a sibling to follow in a couple of years. I am the middle kid of three and had no plans to curse my son with being an only child. Over the next few years, the state of my marriage changed, but my plan for a second child did not. My divorce from W’s father was not ideal to say the least, but being single in my mid-thirties and desperately wanting a sibling for my son was devastating.
It took me years to get to where I am now, finding peace and acceptance in the fact that I will only have one (wonderful and irreplaceable) child. I’m not saying that I never wistfully think about what might have been, but that it isn’t a constant lament nowadays. It hasn’t always been so easy. There was one day when I was picking my son up from daycare and I saw a classmate’s mother was pregnant. W was around the age that a lot of parents decide to have their second child. It was the age I had hoped to be pregnant with W’s brother or sister. It literally knocked the wind out of me and I cried when I got to my car.
Although W knows nothing about my emotional struggle or the cause of my occasional sadness, I feel guilty for wanting more than I have been given, as though he is not enough. As I now realize, he is often more than enough. He does an excellent job of running me ragged and driving me crazy and everything else little kids are supposed to do to their parents. But as I watch him grow and develop into a little person, I can’t help wondering how a younger sibling would change him … and me.
Here’s the funny thing: right around the time I started to accept my life as the mother of one, he started asking me for a younger sibling. It started out casually as “my baby” in his artwork. There were always four of us depicted – “Mommy, Daddy, me, and my baby.” Sometimes he would throw a dog in there for good measure, but the character that kept appearing day after day was “my baby.” It eventually evolved into his baby brother, and this brother is now named Alex.
I am so glad that this stage of W wanting me to “get a baby in [my] belly” is coming at a time when I can enjoy the genuine childish nature of it. Instead of getting teary, I can laugh about his plans to co-parent this imaginary baby brother. Having an only child is not the curse I originally thought it would be. In fact, I can now see many advantages for both W and me.
I can relate to this. I become very frustrated when people ask me, when are you having a second child? My husband was diagnosed with bipolar 2 years ago and managing it is difficult. We have a five year old daughter and she is the best thing I could have been given. My husband wants another child, but his moods are so unpredictable. I have made it a decision that now is not a good time to bring another child into the world. Yes he takes medicine and goes to therapy, but that does not cure bipolar. It does hurt when you thought in your 30’s that you would at least have 2 by now. You see small babies and pregnant women and you want that. It is a difficult battle, but I know I was blessed with my special little 5 year old.
Thanks for sharing, Michelle. Choosing to live my best life with the one beautiful child I have been given has, in a way, freed me to be a happier and better mom. Just this morning, W asked me why I only have him. He is well aware that all of his friends, cousins, and even I have siblings. I didn’t know how to respond, so I kissed his cheek and told him that I love him.
Your feelings and your conversations with your son are eerily similar to my own experience. I’ve actually never known anyone else who felt that same way, so thank you for your honesty!! When my 7yo daughter brings it up, I just tell her that God’s timing is perfect. Then I think, “What if she grows up angry with God for depriving her of a stepdad and siblings?!” I think it’s wonderful that you encourage your son with his imagination and drawings! One final note – it drives me nuts when people say, “Oh, you’re still young. There’s plenty of time.” Just accept with me, people, the reality that I am a single Mom to an AMAZING and healthy child. And that is enough for me. Bravo to you for sharing!
Thank you so much for this! It couldn’t have been better timing for me. I am currently in the situation of becoming a single mother with one child. She is currently 3 and many of our family and friends are moving on to have their 2nd and 3rd children. That’s been my dream since I was little and it breaks my heart and brings a guilt when she asks me about her having a sibling one day. I just tell her only God knows our plan for our lives and we have to trust in his plan. Thank you again for sharing.
Christina and Nicci — I didn’t know anyone with a story similar to my own. Maybe it would have helped if I had, and maybe it wouldn’t have. Truth is, I needed time to grieve my “loss” and find my way again. I thank you for sharing a bit of your own stories and I sincerely hope that my story brings you both some peace.