The Dark Side of Motherhood: The Middle of the Night

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Dark SideI’ve heard many moms say that they begin the countdown to bedtime early in the day, usually around the same time their small children turn into unrecognizable pumpkins. My experience has been slightly different. Most days, I do not want to countdown to bedtime. When the sun goes down, my blood pressure goes up because I know what’s coming. Yes, there are moments of snuggles and bedtime stories, but mostly it’s a battle. A battle between myself and the person I become in the middle of the night. Driven by exhaustion and frustration, I become the mom I never want to be. I lose all patience; I yell at my sleepy and confused children; I yell at my husband who is battling right along with me.

Love 2Our son was never a good sleeper. When I got pregnant with our daughter, everyone said, “Oh, she will definitely be easier!” While I fought this notion of comparison, I couldn’t help but hope that they were right. And they were…for a while at least. Baby girl was a great sleeper until around 6 months when ear infections and teeth turned her into a bit of a challenge. And here we are now, with a two and a half year old and a one year old. Neither sleeps through the night. Neither easily put themselves to sleep. Neither takes good naps. And we have reached our breaking point.

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Everyone knows that parents of newborns get very little sleep. As parents, we accept this and tell ourselves we can handle anything for a few months. But what happens when those few months extend into a year? Or years? I can tell you what happens. You get cranky. You have zero patience. You have to give yourself a pep talk every day to remember that it definitely could be worse. You have good days when your body is able to fight through, despite four broken hours of sleep the night before. And then there are the bad days. Just as I’ve forgotten the pain of labor, the frustration of breastfeeding and pumping and the tears from the first major boo-boo, I know I won’t remember these days. Possibly because I resemble a zombie on a daily basis, but mostly because when I signed up for this parenthood thing, I didn’t turn in a list of non-negotiables. I didn’t say I would only love and parent these kids if they slept through the night, never whined and ate their veggies. I vowed to do whatever it takes to be the best mom I can be.

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But, as hard as I try, I am not always the best, especially in the dark of the night. I lie in bed, listening to my baby cry and pray that she will just stop so I can go back to sleep. I yell at my husband that it’s his turn to get up, and when he doesn’t move I use language that you’d never hear me say when the sun is up. I’ve told my son to shut up when I just can’t take the whining at 4am for one more second. I’ve pretended to use the bathroom, while they cry for me, so I can shed my own tears without them seeing. It’s dark, it’s ugly, it’s real.

Andrea sleep 2But then the sun comes up. The coffee pot dings and the tears have dried. We’ve survived another sleepless night and if it’s possible, I love my babies and my husband even more. Because this is a phase, it won’t last forever, we CAN make it through and it DEFINITELY could be worse. I may not feel this way in the dark of the night, but in the light I remember why I wanted to be a mom. To love someone this much, it’s the best feeling in the whole world. And they are so worth it.

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Andrea Limke
I am a native Cincinnatian and thanks to a lot of moving, I know this city pretty well. I grew up on the Westside, attended Walnut Hills High School, and then headed to Oxford for an education degree at Miami University. After a few years in Hyde Park, my husband and I are settled in Northern Kentucky for the time being. One of the great things about the Cincinnati area is the abundance of wonderful neighborhoods, schools and family friendly activities! My husband, Andrew, and I have a son, Aiden (2) and our baby girl, Audrey. We didn’t exactly plan all of the “A” names, but it allows us to keep our family nickname – the A-Team. I am an elementary school teacher, but am on a leave of absence right now to be home with my kids. My days are filled with entertaining my babies, taking way too many pictures on my phone and changing a lot of diapers. Thanks to recent open-heart surgery, I have an aortic valve that ticks (like a clock!), I have ornithophobia (Google it) and I broke my hip when I was 18 (I will never ice skate again). But, I do love photography on my “real” camera, pretending I’m a good enough chef to have my own cooking show and playing outside. I turned to writing/blogging in order to document my family’s journey to better health and as motivation to keep myself on track. You can read more about my personal journey at www.limkelife.blogspot.com. I look forward to sharing the adventure of motherhood with you!

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