How to Help a Friend During Death

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This past month hit our family like a shock wave. Three weeks after finding out my mother-in-law’s diagnosis, she passed away. We were left in shock, exhausted, and heartbroken. Our friends wanted to help following this unexpected death.

The way people came out to help us after her death left me inspired to share. It can be really hard to know what to do or how to help. You cannot heal the pain, so what can you do? Here are some simple ways to help a friend during the death of a loved one.

death

Help with Details

This sounds a bit like overstepping, but your friend has a long to-do list. The simple truth is you have no idea how many plates they are juggling. What may seem small and insignificant could be the only thing keeping them from breaking down.

Three friends gave me no choice and showed up with poster board and double-sided tape. They helped me create photo collage posters for the visitation. This simple gesture took what was a heart-wrenching task and morphed it into a display of love and companionship. Another friend left a set of Color Street polish in my mailbox so I wouldn’t have to worry about my nails for the service. Her handwritten note mattered. A set of individuals helped clean up after the funeral luncheon. Others stayed back to pack up all the pictures and materials, carrying them carefully to the car.

We never had to ask. They gave us no option of denying their help.

Help with Kids

The day after my mother-in-law passed, we sat at a volleyball practice detailing the details still to cover. Knowing we were executing them with kids in tow promised stress.

It was at this point, a parent of one of my child’s teammates came over to ask how we were doing. Because this was our first opportunity to talk without a child’s listening ears, a bit more of the details came out than we normally would have shared.

He offered, “If you need anything, just let us know.” We replied thank you but we couldn’t really think of anything so he added, “Even if it’s just to have the kids hang out.”

This is normally where I would politely thank him with no intention of reaching out except I knew in my heart, I needed to. It had been a heavy three weeks. Our daughter expressed she needed a break from the grief and to feel like a kid again. Although we could manage the to-dos with her, she needed to play and not be the tween-who-just-lost-her-grandma. So, instead of politely saying we would let him know, I said, “That would actually be great. Thank you.”

Our daughter ended up spending the entire day and night with the family. We were able to get all of the funeral programs printed, finish lingering commitments, and help finalize details for the services. When our kiddo came home, she didn’t have to listen to endure the run-around of tasks that reminded her Grandma was not there.

Help with Meals

With Meal Train or SignUpGenius, organizing meals is convenient these days. This was hard for me to agree to but when talking with my friend, she said this sentence.

“Girl, it’s a meal. It’s not like we’re giving you money. Seriously, it’s a meal. Don’t make it more than that.”

While the adults in our house were pretty much going on one meal a day and coffee in between, it wasn’t fair for the kids to be living on cereal and chicken strips. We said, “Okay, thank you,” and have been treated to a week of dinners.

Being completely wiped out from the emotional toll and trying to keep a sense of balance for the little ones, cooking is just not on the radar. Having pre-cooked meals is a gift I never thought I’d need. Now, I cannot imagine how we’d have gotten by without. It is a daily reminder of love.

Beyond a meal train, another friend offered to simply bring our family breakfast the morning of the funeral. This one we had to turn down because of timing, but still, the offer was there. Simply amazing. Others have told my father-in-law that after the commotion lowers, they are bringing him food or having him over for dinner.

Text… And Include Your Name

Send the message. Yes, it is awkward. You know they are being blown up with messages. Text anyway. Include your name because if you are like my husband, you don’t save numbers and out of politeness, won’t ask who you are.

A few dear friends have texted daily, even a single heart or “just thinking of you.” It is needed. When the fanfare stops, it is good to know someone still gets it is hard. Your words don’t have to be profound. A simple “thinking of you today” will do.

If you cannot make the visitation, funeral or gathering after, text and let them know. Tell them the reason and that you are thinking of them. Acknowledge you wish you could have made it. This matters… a lot. Even though you physically were not there, your friend knows you cared enough to write. It counts.

Compliment When You Can

Perhaps the service was well done or the pictures were touching. Tell them. Maybe the speaker painted the deceased in a moving way. Express that to the speaker and the family. Was the food great and the program write-up done well? Let them know. Were the little ones holding it together during the ceremony or dressed up to clearly pay tribute to their family member? Kneel to their level, smile and say they did great or, at least, let the parent know.

These small tokens are nods to the focus the family took to ensure their loved one was sent out of this world in a way to give their life a fitting farewell. These words solidify the time spent was worthwhile and they honored the individual.

Be There

There isn’t a set guide on how to be a friend, but in moments of death and grief, we all find ourselves wondering if we are doing enough. These items helped and are currently helping our family through a profound loss. It doesn’t have to be any of the aforementioned items. However you do it, just reach out and help. I still hold firmly to the notion we have two hands, one to hold ourselves steady and one to help others.

If you are the one experiencing the loss, be okay to say “Thank you.” It doesn’t mean anything besides you are letting those who love you have the chance to be there for you. This is the time you don’t have to have it all together. Take it from a person who tries to do it all herself. There is healing in taking the hand of your friend and allowing them to help you off the ground.

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