This is the hardest thing I have ever written or even spoken about. It is personal and private but as I feel myself being pulled out of the darkness, I feel it is important to share this with anyone who might be dealing with a similar demon. Depression is deep in your soul. It is not on the surface. It is not one single problem. It is not simply sadness or a bad day.
It can be a debilitating mental illness that makes you not feel worthy of being here or being loved.
You fear leaving the house because your darkness will bring everyone down and because, in your current state of depression, you have nothing in you to give. You have nothing to bring to the table except a cloud of sadness.
You don’t want to answer your messages because when your friends ask “Hey! How are you?” you don’t know how to answer because you are NOT okay. Do they care? Are they just asking as a formality or do they really care to know that you haven’t been able to shower or leave the house or talk to anyone for days because you’re too busy battling yourself inside your mind to do anything else?
I feel it deep in my bones, this self-loathing mental state.
I have been battling it most of my life. Growing up, I had to go through some difficult situations, as most of us do. It would hurt and I would be searching for approval and validation. Silently begging to hear that I mattered from the people who I didn’t feel the love from. I would get depressed. Not sad. Not bummed. Depressed. As I grew older, my depression grew also. It has been with me so long that it’s almost like this dark, evil friend. When he is gone, I am happy. I am a bubbly person with purpose. Months will go by and I am fine. Happy even.
Then a morning will come and as I open my eyes, I feel him there and I know what this means. It means I will be going on a downward spiral of heartache and struggle for the next few weeks or possibly months. My husband feels it, too. It is hard for him to constantly be the one to pick me up when I am down. He tries to help me get out of the house and feel worthy of being here and with him. I am fortunate to have a support system. In my opinion, that is something crucial to have when going through depression.
When you feel this, you need to find someone to talk to. If you need someone to listen or relate to, reach out to me. Everyone needs someone and I am more than happy to be your someone if you need me to be. We ALL have a purpose. WE ALL ARE WORTHY OF BEING HERE AND BEING LOVED. You may not feel it now. You may be hurting, too, but I promise you that you have something wonderful to offer the world.
For others who can’t relate, please be compassionate. Depression is real. We aren’t being lazy or antisocial. It is not something that you can just snap out of or walk off. It takes time. I am not out of the woods yet but I have hope that one day, it will be gone for good.
Please seek help from a doctor and friends or family. Find your happiness. Find your peace. Help others. Most importantly, try to love yourself.
