Things are going well in my life. I turn 46 soon and my 3 boys are up and running like the dreamy kids I always wanted before I took the plunge and got married. We are 19 years into a 30-year mortgage (woo-hoo!) and we can now look around at this beautiful life we have built over the years. We have friends, jobs, and a house in our favorite neighborhood. The 401K is slowly adding up. We are making plans for the wonderful life that awaits us after our boys grow up and move away to college. We are really catching our breaths, looking around, and saying wow, we are doing this RIGHT. Just one thing, though, everything is getting done right…except for me.
My husband has started bicycling to work, has lost weight, and is wearing a lot of gray hair like some sexy banner of his 40’s – Meanwhile, I have gained weight, gotten gray…but frizzy gray hair around my face kind of gray. I can say I have no inclination what-so-ever to work out or exercise in any way. I am just plain worn out and tired these days.
Each day as I apply sunscreen to my face, I notice my skin not having that bounce back like it used to. Yikes, I am losing my elasticity! I sometimes wake up with bags under my eyes and shrink a little bit away from that first morning reflection in the mirror. I wave hello to a neighbor and my upper arm continues to waggle a lit bit too long. What is happening to me?
I find lately, now that our life’s work of parenting and having our dream home in bloom, that I am the only one not getting taken care of. I am doing everything right, just not taking care of me. I stopped exercising 4 years ago when I hurt my back. I started drinking more wine and have watched the pounds add on slowly. I have terrible sleep hygiene because I stay up late every night because it’s the only time I can enjoy some peace and quiet.
I picked up an extra job to afford all of the extras for the kids which has left me exhausted from the non-stop pace. I grew my hair out long but routinely wear it up most days, too tired to style it first thing in the morning. I also started eating fast food a couple of times a week since I am running from one thing to the next all the time. I am just not making good choices for myself these days.
It’s a weird place to be in for me. I have a lot of pride in my mothering and my marriage of 20 years is strong and giving. My gardens are beautiful. The people I love know that they are loved. I am even surviving raising the 2 teens with a certain amount of grace.
Then again, though, there isn’t any me in my list of what’s going right. My body confidence is at an all-time low. I don’t even regularly take care of my wardrobe anymore. Clothes come off after I get home from work and usually get draped across a bedroom dresser.
I recognize that I am doing a ton right now. I am happy to be able to drive and fund my family’s dreams. I am not resentful at all but… I am sad. And really, really tired. Did I mention that I am tired? I see “self-care” articles all over the place these days but there is just no time. Or when my time actually frees up a little, there is no energy.
“Not My Turn” Phase
I recognize this for hopefully what it truly is, and that this time in my life is just a stage of life. I think of it as the “not my turn phase” of my life. It makes sense, too. Women are the caregivers, the do-everything’ers and the almighty schedulers.
Scheduling alone takes up a lot of my “free time.” I have to constantly keep everyone on track and on time, even when I am doing it from work. I set alarms on my phone each day that go off at certain times when my sons or husbands have to be somewhere. I send out text reminders like “don’t forget the dentist today” or “make sure you pick up so and so from practice today.” It is a lot of vigilance with five rings in my family circus. But this is one of my strengths. And it benefits us all.
Luckily, my very energetic husband does the bulk of the grocery shopping and keeps up with both the house and the laundry. Also, he gives me time to rest when I am actually at home. Energy is definitely his superpower. My kids don’t see me at work and how much of a dynamo I am there. They just see my fatigue. They are very helpful too. Like I said, we are doing this right!
This is the crux of my life right now. There are a lot of blessings abounding now. I just seem to have gotten lost off the to-do list somewhere along the way. No manicures or work outs. No time really even to read a book anymore in a hot bath at night, my favorite self-care. So, this phase is tough for me. The first phase I have experienced in my life alone in a long, long time.
I know there will be a time, sooner than I think, that my boys will be gone all the time. Enjoying high school and starting college. That will be my time to attend the yoga classes I used to love so much. I’ll join a book club and have a clean house for once. My husband and I will get to start taking those long evening walks we used to love so much. We will finally have leftovers in the fridge again! My weight will come off and I’ll have started coloring the awful gray hairs.
Right now, though, I am pouring my heart and soul into my boys and our lives. I really am just not loving me. I’ll get there again when the house gets quiet and I have time to hold my husband’s hand again.
And I will look back knowing I did (almost) everything right.
