The Fear of All My Dreams Coming True


Throughout my entire life, whenever someone has asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always had an answer. My dreams changed many, many, many times throughout the years. I wanted to be an artist, a teacher, an astronaut, an astrophotographer, a youth minister, a business owner, and probably some other things, too. No matter my career choice, my dream job was always to be a mom. 


Like most people, my idea of family and motherhood was based largely on my own upbringing. I am immensely blessed to have been raised by my parents. For my entire life, my dad has worked harder than anyone I know to allow my mom to stay home and raise myself and my three siblings. We lived in a nice house, but to be honest, I don’t know if my parents had any kind of money issues. If there were conversations about finances and logistics, they never happened around me. All I ever knew was that they made (and continue to make) sacrifices for their children and somehow, they always made it work.

As I approached marriage and child-bearing years, I started thinking about my idea of what motherhood would look like for me and it always involved me being a stay-at-home mom. Well, dreams are dreams and when our baby girl was born, it just wasn’t going to happen. 

Luckily, I found a man who works just as hard as my dad did for us and I snatched him up before anyone else could.

Together we have worked HARD to pay off student loans and make my stay-at-home mom dreams a reality. Now, I am almost three years into motherhood and about to enter a new season of life as when our baby boy arrives in a couple short months. You guys, it’s right around the corner. We are a few student loan payments away from me being a stay-at-home mom. I should be jumping for joy, I should be counting my blessings and counting down the days until I get to stay home with my babies. Instead, I’m terrified.

As the days dwindle to realizing my dreams, my insecurities are growing. Even as I’ve been a working mom, I have had every Friday off to spend with my girl. Any Friday we don’t have plans, she asks where we are going and if we can go to someone else’s house. What if I am not enough for her? Will she get sick of me? Will our relationship change? Will she be bored all. the. time.? Will I have less patience with her? Will I be able to juggle two kids and keep them both happy? Will I lose my mind? Am I even capable of doing this job? It feels like I just got hired and accepted a position that I suddenly realized I’m not qualified for.

Truth be told, the answer to all of those questions is probably yes. Sometimes we will be bored and get sick of each other and I will lose both my mind and patience simultaneously. But I am also capable and I will, eventually, figure out the balance of taking care of two kids at once. Most importantly, our relationship will definitely change because now I’ll actually get to be there. I’ll be there for all the giggles and all the tears. I’ll be there to make 1,245 snacks a day, to read all the stories and do all the crafts. I’ll be there to build forts and play in the snow. I’ll be there for snuggles and for comfort. This is going to take everything I’ve got. This is going to challenge me. This is going to be so worth it.


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