My oldest daughter is sick. She had a fever last night, but woke up this morning vomiting, lethargic and still with a fever. I am writing this post as we snuggle on the couch watching cartoons while she rests in between trips to the bathroom.
I knew caring for sick kiddos was going to be part of the job description when I had children. I knew there would be middle of the night wakings and sheet changing as a result. I knew I would be carefully doling out medication (every 4-6 hours), giving cool baths to bring down fever and that I would likely get less sleep myself as my senses stayed heightened to the potential that my little one would need me.
What I didn’t expect though was this:
First, that my heart would break as much as it does to see my kids sick. I hurt when they hurt and would literally do just about anything to make it stop.
But, second, and arguably tougher is the guilt. I want nothing more than to sit here with my daughter all day and take care of her. To rub her back, soothe her to sleep and give her the hugs I know she needs to feel better right now. Unfortunately, that is not an option that I have today. I have to leave for work in a couple hours and I will have to trust her care to someone else, even though I know she prefers her Mom. (Don’t we all when we don’t feel good?)
It’s not that I don’t enjoy my job (as most days I do). And it’s not that I am not grateful for the weird schedule that I have which makes it possible for me to be with my kids a good portion of the week, even though I do work outside the home. But, when my kids need me, I HATE that I can’t be there for them. Don’t get me wrong, if this were more than a simple GI bug, I would absolutely call off work and stay home. But, I need to reserve that action for the times I really need to use it. I can’t call off for every fever, cold or simple illness. And it’s not that I think they aren’t being adequately cared for. Their dad will be here and he will love on her and clean her up if needed. He will give her the medications (according to my instructions that I will leave him) and he will humor me when I call for an update on how she is doing later on today.
But, it’s still not me and that GUILT is painful.
