Four Helpful Sentences for Raising Teens

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Raising teens is tricky. Hormones, emotions, independence, bodily fluids. Yuck. Not to mention, it’s hard for a parent to find the right thing to say. Ever. I might think I’m being funny, but instead, my teen gets angry. I try to give a compliment, but he takes it as criticism. Offering encouragement or advice leads to eye rolling and sighing.

So what do you say to a sensitive teen?

There is no perfect answer. I still get plenty of eye rolling and stomping out of the room around here. But I have found a few things that work, and maybe they can work for you, too.

“I know you know this, but it makes me feel better just to say it out loud.” This is my go-to phrase. I say this any time I think my advice or instructions are going to make my teens’ eyes disappear into their head or make them utter, “I knoooooow,” in frustration.

For example, last weekend I was dropping my kid at a friend’s house he had never visited before. I said, “I know you know this already, but it makes me feel better to say it. If you want to come home for any reason—little brother shows you the family’s gun, your friends ask if you want to smoke weed, they’re just being jerks—text me, and I’ll come right away.” He said, “I knew you were going to say that.” But you know what didn’t he do? Get cranky or ignore me.

This works for anything—reminding him of phone rules, reiterating for the 1000th time to never ask anyone to send naked pics, repeating the chores he needs to do before dinner, reviewing study skills he should be using to bring up that grade in Spanish. Really, anything.

“Wow, that really stinks.” We expect our teens to deal with some of their problems on their own, without our help. They might not be dealing with bills and jobs yet, but they are at least dipping their toe into some adult issues with friends, relationships, teachers, decisions about their future. As all of us adults know, that truly does stink sometimes. While I want to offer advice or help solve their problems, I try to stop myself. What they need most often is someone to listen and empathize. Saying, “Wow, that really stinks,” lets them know you hear them while also giving them space to work it out on their own. I might follow up with, “What do you think you’ll do?” since I’m curious and I have reserved, quiet boys. Plus, it leads perfectly into the next sentence I say frequently.

“I know you can handle it.” Whether we want to or not, parents have to take a step back during adolescence. Our young adults need to navigate more of their lives on their own, with us watching, worrying, supporting, and encouraging from a distance. They still need us, but they also need to gain the confidence that they can handle what life is throwing their way. After all, in a couple of short years, they will be off to college, the military, or a job where we won’t always be there to help.

My teens know I am available if they need me. In fact, I have a tendency to jump in and try to problem solve with them more than I should. So I’m working on saying, “I know you can handle it,” and then zipping my lips. It lets them know I have confidence in their ability to manage whatever stinky situation they’re dealing with on their own.

“I’m so proud of you.” More than anything, I want my kids to know this. Teens face pressure to do everything right, even though they are just baby adults still using training wheels. Adults often act like this is the end-all-be-all of success or failure, impressing upon them the importance of every decision. (Yes, I’ve been guilty of this too.) And simply being a teenager makes them susceptible to overwhelming insecurity, likely to take criticism even where none was meant. I try to balance all of this pressure by telling them every chance I get, “I’m so proud of you.”

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