How I Survived the Most Overwhelming Time of my Life

There’s the saying from Mother Teresa that goes “God only gives you what you can handle.” I have great respect for her, but I think that’s a little bogus after the year I experienced from 2015-2016. Life changes and throws you curve balls and you have to choose to go with it or be left behind.

What a difference a year makes

In the summer of 2015, my baby sister was getting married and I had an overly active, curious and completely adorable two and a half year old son. This was plenty happening as I was getting to the final stages of my writing my dissertation to earn my PhD while also juggling my full-time job. I had many stressful nights with work and schoolwork and memories to make with my son, with less than six months in a new role at my place of work.

In the fall – everything about my life changed dramatically

We found out I was pregnant unexpectedly after I came back from a work trip and felt something was just not right. The day we went into the OB to make sure we weren’t reading that cute little stick wrong, my husband and I weren’t even speaking as we had just argued over something (can’t remember now) and got the surprise of our life when we found out we’d be having twins. What was a well thought out timeline to finish school, get a new house and then work to get pregnant with #2, turned into raising an active toddler while moving ahead in my career and selling and buying a house as #2 and #3 were on their way.  So, in the course of 6 months, our world turned upside down: we put our house up for sale (staging it over and over for showings), I graduated on April 20th, we moved into our new house May 1, I experienced preterm labor on May 12 and we welcomed our two newest children on May 20, 6 weeks early (requiring short stays in the NICU). My oldest son at this time was also in and out of the ER as we were trying to sort out asthma-related symptoms which didn’t help any of this (check out my tips for surviving the ER). I explain this though NOT as a competition – Hard is Hard (TED talk link Ash Beckham). But I share this just to show you it can be done.

I’m not claiming to have handled all of the above perfectly. There were many tears and distraught “what the [insert your favorite expletive here – I used each and every one of them] did we get ourselves into” conversations, but we did get through it to what is now our new normal. We don’t have some perfect picket fence life, but our kids are happy and that’s all that matters.

This mamas insight

When the going gets tough, here are a few tips that helped me conquer my mountain:

1. Compartmentalize. Pick one thing at a time to worry about and just focus on that. Advice from the experts say to pick the most challenging thing first. There’s a great graphic that talks about putting the “big stones in first” as otherwise they just don’t fit. But sometimes, when I’m stressed, I like to find the one thing I know I can start AND finish and feel a sense of accomplishment before tackling the next big thing.
2. Along with this, organize. Do what you can to get a system in place. Benjamin Franklin stated “for every minute spend organizing, an hour is earned.”
3. Find your team. Team Varol was a blend of family, friends, co-workers, and friends of those people. We also hired movers and someone to help clean the house (pregnant with twins meant I couldn’t do what I’d normally have done). We ultimately had my mother in law stay with us for 6 months once I returned to work, which was its own set of challenges (she doesn’t speak English, and I don’t speak Turkish) – but I share this to say assess and re-assess and get the right people in the right places to help.
4. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I hate feeling like I can’t do it all, because Lean In and all that says I should be able to do it, right? But in reality, it takes a village – so having the team mentioned in #3 means you also need to call reinforcements before you jump on the crazy train.
5. It’s ok to take your time. No matter what the stack of issues may be, it’s ok to slow down and just take it all in. Be proud of what you’re accomplishing. Or soak up that shower or bath for a minute to clear your mind and regroup to savor the little things before the tiny fingers start to reach under the door.
6. Take pictures. Everyone thought I was nuts, but there’s a lot about the 18 months (first year of my twins’ life plus those 6 months of pregnancy) that without photos I’d never remember. So take the photos. And be sure to be in some of them too.
7. Make a pact. If you’re in a relationship-agree to disagree. Agree and talk about what setting aside frustrations may look like for the time being. Set a timeline for when it’s ok to walk away and revisit the cause of the drama, and promise to admit when you need help. It’s so important, as these times put strain on the most important and most strong of relationships. But no one is perfect-so promise to stick it out.

In the moment, this may seem impossible, but hopefully, if you catch this ahead of a whirlwind season of your own, a tip or two could help you survive the storm. Looking back, and when I talk about this time of my life now, I can’t believe I survived it at all – we mamas are truly incredible!