Sometimes doing your best doesn’t feel like it’s your best, or that it’s even close to enough.
Today I felt like I was a horrible mom… but I know I’m not. I shared this with my husband and he said sarcastically, “You’re the only mom I’ve heard say that or feel that way…” His point being many, many moms feel like what they do isn’t enough; like they’re not ever enough.
It came from a conversation with some friends who are going through a lot of re-arranging.
I was offering to watch their little ones for a few hours so they could get some more work done without having to worry about the kids. They responded by saying that they would miss their babies terribly and wouldn’t know what to do without them; and that they are used to doing everything with them around so it was ok. They just loved them so much and love being around them all the time.
WOW, were they for real? That’s beautiful, but not my world nor how I feel about my kids.
For me it’s the exact opposite. I LOVE my kids and would do anything for them. However, I am always looking to get some time away from them and so is my husband. I dread doing adult things with them because I know the fights and screaming and frustration that come with it. If anyone would be so kind to offer me a few hours with no kids, I would jump on it. I wouldn’t miss them in those few hours as they expressed they would. I would be so grateful to be given the opportunity to do things without having to worry about kids for a couple of hours.
So is something wrong with me and my husband? Again, we adore our children but we also get very frustrated and annoyed by our little angels.
Maybe they have more patience? Or maybe I need to work on my patience and using my words more?
Repetition kills me and my hubby, so we then end up screaming at them and the job gets done. I guess they’re used to us getting to that level before they have to do anything we ask of them. It makes me feel horrible and like a failure especially because I’ve been doing my best to practice the Montessori way at home as well. I feel so stupid that I can’t get this “parenting” thing right. It’s so frustrating for me at times.
Is it the hand of kids we got dealt? I know there’s a lesson here, but I can’t see it now, nor in hindsight. My kids are full of energy, explore all the time, independent, were potty trained between 18 and 20 months, and like to dress themselves (even my 2.5-year-old). With that said, they also like to do everything on their own and have a meltdown if they can’t.
In the end, I just felt horrible and questioned my love for kids and how I am as a parent. It’s like what I know and what I feel aren’t syncing and wish they would.
Am I bad for looking forward to having someone take my kids for a bit?
Am I bad for screaming at them with the occasional spank? Is this messing them up?
Why can’t I be better with my words and stay calm?
Why do I have so much anger inside?
Why can’t I get the Montessori way through my thick skull?
Why… why… why?
It doesn’t matter because I am doing my best and you are, too!
Is there room for improvement? ALWAYS!
Can I learn to communicate better with my kids? OF COURSE!
Can I be more proactive with my own emotions and how I feel? ABSOLUTELY!
I can always improve and grow.
So in the end, I know I’m not alone. I know I’m doing my best for that day even if it’s not my all-time best. I know my children and husband love me to pieces. I know that every parent has their own way and perspective is everything. Maybe they have the same feelings as me but are super protective of their children and they don’t want me to babysit. Regardless, this all translates to, I’m not as horrible as I thought.