If Mama Ain’t Happy…

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If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. As it should be, I say. When unruly kids seem to have un-learned all the manners we ever taught them, forgotten toys are left strewn across every stretch of carpet in the house, and noise levels approach that of an airport runway, requiring ear protection, it’s perfectly fine to be a little cranky and demanding until everyone gets back in line. But what about when Mama is in a funk through no fault of her squirrelly young darlings? What if, like me this week, your generally upbeat attitude and ability to let life roll off your back have taken a beating?

MamaAs a mother, I often feel as responsible for the emotional state of my home as much as its physical state. I sometimes feel burdened by the expectation-an expectation I place on myself, I realize-to be a good example of a positive attitude, friendliness, and generosity even when I feel far from those things. It is really necessary to just suck it up and pretend all is well when it isn’t? Does that mean moms don’t have the right to feel down occasionally? Should we keep on trucking even when the only thing we want to do is go hide under the covers until next month?

Sort of. There’s no need to bring the whole family down with my moods, my worries, or my disappointments. But we all deserve to have our emotional needs met, even while also caring for the children we love. Here’s how I’ve been trying to take it easy on myself this week since I’m the one needed a little extra TLC.

Take it down a notch. We all have something that we do really well and that people have come to expect from us. Some people keep an immaculate house. Some people run the PTA with the poise and organization of a CEO. Some people are the CEO. I cook. I cook homemade dinners almost every night of the week, constantly try new recipes, and make an effort to have plenty of variety in our meals. Not this week. I gave myself permission to take it down a notch. We had spaghetti with jarred sauce and frozen meatballs. No veggies, no salad, no bread. Not this time. I made a big pan of fried rice. Normally, we would have a side of braised bok choy or hand-stuffed dumplings. Nope, not this week. I made the easiest ever taco corn casserole. No homemade guacamole or queso to accompany it. The rest of the meals for the week were leftovers of these three simple, delicious family favorites. No one complained. Not one bit.

Make a simple ritual out of something you do every day. For me, it’s coffee. I love morning coffee time, even if I usually enjoy it while checking email, correcting math work, or listening to the news. When I am feeling especially frazzled, I try to use my coffee time to sit quietly and think, meditate, write, or read. This calms my mind before facing the day, and gives me a reason to get out from under the covers. Again, no one misses me. The kids might end up watching an extra TV show before starting their school work, but just like dinner, no one is complaining. Most of all, me.

Get outside. As I write this, the sky is falling. It’s been raining all day, and it’s supposed to keep raining for at least another day and a half. I almost put on a jacket and went outside to pick up some fallen branches and rake away some leaves from our garden beds anyway. The outdoors call to me especially when I am down because the fresh air and sunshine (even filtered sunshine) make me feel refreshed and energized, more capable of facing whatever needs facing.

Let your family help you, and teach them how if you need to. My kids don’t need to know the details of the things that are bothering me, but as a family, we are responsible for caring for each other. They can understand that sometimes, even adults need a little more time alone. Big kids can entertain themselves, and little kids can often play where they can be watched or heard for supervision without hands on interaction. Sometimes this takes time to learn, but it’s a worthwhile skill to learn anyway. Kids can understand that we are sad, worried, tired, or angry, and that it’s not a result of anything they did. We just have to be we willing to explain it to them. Kids can show kindness and help when given the opportunity. My middle kiddo made eggs for his siblings this morning. When I went into the kitchen, the skillet was clean and drying next to the sink. I got a little misty-eyed at his thoughtfulness. One less dish to wash probably isn’t a big deal, but at the moment, that little effort was so appreciated.

Go to bed early. Everything is easier with a full night’s sleep. I’ll admit, I’ve not been doing a good job of this one.

Reach out to friends. Again, this is one I need to work on. I have awesome friends. They are smart, funny, interesting, and talented. They are great mothers, have interesting and successful careers, maintain busy schedules for themselves and their kids. So, when I’m feeling yucky, I avoid them. I don’t want to compare my YUCK to their YAY! I don’t want them to see what a hot mess I am. So I don’t call. I don’t try to get together. This is absolutely ridiculous. My friends are wise and kind. Their perspective on my YUCK (and probably their own YUCK, too), their companionship, and their humor, are probably the very best medicine.

Moms make the whole world go. At least, a lot of days that’s the way it seems. Still, moms are people too, and we have to take care of ourselves. We can learn to be gentle with ourselves when we need it, and in doing so, we can teach those we love and care for how to love and care for us right back.

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