Mom Lesson # 308: The best way to get your kids to follow your lead is to go first.
My daughter was nine months old and exploring everything. Her current conquest was the bathroom – you know, the best possible place for her to crawl around. We were working on keeping her out, but that day she made her way in while my back was turned.
Before I knew it, my nearly three year old was inside, telling her “Out!”. He realized pretty quickly that she wasn’t listening to that, so he tried to pick her up and carry her out – for her own good, of course. Many attempts later he found himself frustrated, because she was too heavy for him to carry. She was going to leave on her own terms, no exceptions. Trouble is, he knew what was best because he’d been there before.
I watched as his little wheels turned, and suddenly he sprung up and ran to the living room. He came back holding his favorite ball, which also happens to be her favorite, of course. (Keep in mind, he had spent most of the morning keeping this ball away from her). He sat down right next to her and rolled the ball out of the bathroom and instructed her “Get ball! Get ball!” but she just looked at him and smiled.
And then, in one of the most rewarding moments I have had as a mother, he got on his hands and knees and crawled out first. And wouldn’t you know it, she followed him without hesitation!
I love that his little human nature started like most leaders do – we tell, we yell, we boss. But it didn’t work. So he tried to drag her along behind him (which is a reasonable response, and sometimes seems like the only way), but it didn’t work either. And then he started to get it!
He found something that mattered to both of them and used that to try to get her where she needed to be. When she still wasn’t quite sure she wanted to leave the comfort of the place she was for the uncertainty of the place she was headed, HE WENT FIRST. He showed her the way out, and she was happy to follow, not because she knew exactly where they were headed, but because she trusts him, and because he’s someone worth following.
If I want them out from under my feet while I’m cooking, I have to go first. If I want them to be a good student, I can show them what it looks like to read, the study, and to prepare for something I am working toward. If I want them to be a good friend, I can make time for my own friends and care for them when they’re hurting. If I want them to be an active citizen, I can research, vote, engage in community activities – and take them with me when I do. By design parents have the greatest opportunity to influence their children, and the best chance we have at influencing them for the good is by being the people we so badly want them to be.
