Something that happens in motherhood that can drop kick a mama is how when hardship occurs life does not stop screaming out for MORE of you. The needs can quickly become an overwhelming place when not given spaces to pause and to breathe in processing it all. This year has ushered in a grief entrenched heart that has journeyed thru all the layers deep down to the bone.
It has taught my spirit with shouts of acclamation the necessity of giving space to embrace the fullness of emotions in hard times.
This year’s view in the lens of my community has been repeated stories of a mama receiving a phone call that changes the course of their life with a loss. Parents, grandparents, children, spouses, and friends have led the way and passed on legacies of nurturance and of investments to countless souls. Remembering the phone calls with impactful news and with a stooped deposition over an open oven putting in chicken nuggets for dinner, almost every time they were served to my children with tear-stained love because the tears just could not stop amidst the pain of it even in dinner prep.
It is ok that your children see you cry; it does not show them weakness, but reveals a heart that has labored in deep love and feels the stretchings of relationships lived well. Take time to let them know why you are crying and allow them to stand on the teaching ground of it with you.
My 7-year-old daughter asked several times if I had cried while she was in school and her heart was gently attuned with empathy to how loss would impact my heart. Oh my child, know that my tears are a safe place for you when it comes to grief because it just reveals that life holds its richness with traveling with people and my heart needs some moments to sit before moving on.
Teaching our children that YES life does continue on in grief but that taking moments to honor a person’s impact on our life as part of it will move you to those new places with a different strength.
Shuttling kids to school continues on. Sports games and practices still ask of your presence. Stomachs growl and still call out for multiple meals a day prepared often by you. Laundry and housework seem to scream your name louder than before. Work still needs you there and your differing roles continue to be present.
AND, people are still there to maintain relationships and to live life within this time.
Saying all that aloud amidst trauma and hardship can scream an OVERWHELMED tone to do it.
Taking time to grieve does not mean that you are not still needed in certain places of investment; however, one can be supported in ways that help the transition to this unknown place of loss not feel as isolating and burdensome.
Here is a compiled list of 8 suggestions in supporting a Mom in grief that I witnessed first hand soothe many hearts amidst the painful survival mode places:
Let me preference by saying when one faces someone in a hard place, it is not absolute, but it is often more efficient in helping them when it is voiced with tender authenticity and respect in knowing the person, “I am going to do this for you ….. Or I am going to drop this by… instead of only offering, “let me know if you need anything” and expecting them to reach out. A heart who is facing a crisis of loss simply cannot process at times specific needs because an overwhelming emotion looms within them.
- Offering to drive kids to school/ take with you to shared sports, activities that your kids attend or bringing over to a playdate so that a Mom has space for quiet to feel the emotions and express them, as well as, has the logistics to run errands { a heart needing to purchase funeral outfits and participate in preparations is no easy task, so having someone loving on your little tribe while you make difficult presence in places will give necessary space }
- Gift food certificates or drop off a meal/snacks for things that will be easily stored and shared {uber eats, start a meal train, snack basket, fruit or veggie tray, etc. }
- Extend an encouraging presence found in a card/ kind word spoken/ or text message and just letting someone know that you are with them and are thinking of them as they are in pain.
- Offering to help clean a home or provide a certificate for a Cleaning service.
- Yard work, especially in the warmer months, offering to cut grass and release that task for someone who is struggling can help give them space to be present as they support their family’s needs.
- Bring a kindness to a friend in coffee, drink, flowers, etc. with a warm hug just to say you are loved and seen.
- Gas cards are so helpful to families when they are traveling back and forth in between hospital visits and being a support in end of life care and then part of funeral arrangements.
- Offer your listening ear, but GIVE GRACE as you do not take “no thank you” responses personally. Too many people think that by giving space then you speak no words at all and that the person will reach out to you if they need you; however, hearts value attention to their plights even when its simple words spoken of “I love you and I know it’s hard. Period.” You are offering tangible support; however, you are giving them the space to have a detailed conversation with you only if their heart needs it. This is not the time for questions of detail about the situation, but for statements of acknowledgment that they are facing a hard and you are there if they ever need to talk.
Reprieve Mama in your grief, I know that your hard asks deep parts from you and if you are struggling and in need of tangible support please know that the hearts of CMB are for you and desire to support you in your difficulty.
If you are serving your little tribe tear-stained nuggets tonight then know we have served them too and you are not alone.
