The Issue with Being Too “Comfortable”

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My husband and I have been together for ten years. We met in college; two sort-of adults and our relationship blossomed as our adulthood grew. We left school, got jobs, and eventually married. Through that process, we became more and more comfortable with one another.

I remember the first time I got really upset about something in his presence; we were in his college apartment and something happened with a class or professor that made me mad. I didn’t withhold my feelings; I was finally in a place within our relationship to exhibit my true anger. Afterward, I remember thinking, “Wow. That was a big moment—I shared my not-so-great side with him.”

Obviously, as our lives have become more entwined (hello parenthood), our sense of boundaries and comfort have changed. Now, we use personal slang, neglect the bathroom door, and even use “half-talk” to get our points across.

But recently it dawned on me that perhaps we’ve become too comfortable.

I find myself leaving out too much information, giving him too little room to be human, removing too many boundaries. I don’t give him the same courtesy as other people in my life; there are times where I treat him in a way that, if I did that to a client or acquaintance, would cost me that relationship.

Why do some people in relationships (of all sorts) find themselves here? A place where their love is the largest, but their common courtesy is smallest?

What is it about being comfortable that creates a void of civility and respect?

A quick internet search of ‘intimate relationships without boundaries’ brings a multitude of articles regarding the need to maintain some boundaries in relationships, how boundaries are important, and that respect is a vital element of healthy relationships. Turns out, I’m not alone in needing help with this. Apparently, closeness elicits rudeness. As we grow closer to someone, it reduces our inhibitions, and without care, also consideration.

[quote]It becomes easy to forget that they have feelings of their own because we are close enough that we can forget they are a person of their own. [/quote]  

It helps to step back and remember that the other in my relationships is a person; that they deserve respect, boundaries, and courtesy despite the closeness of our relationship. While this seems like a daunting task to me, the alternative of a disrespectful relationship seems worse. My goal moving forward is to work on conscious awareness of the ‘closeness’ of those closest to me in an effort to avoid being “too comfortable”.

So, what about you? How do you maintain a balance of respect with the person to whom you are closest to in the world?

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