What My Miscarriage Took From Me

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A little more than 5 years ago, my now husband and I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. We hadn’t been together all that long and things started happening fast. It turned out that our son, Lucas, was the best thing that could have happened to us. He taught us not to quit on each other. Things can get very hard but you become a team and work it out together. We fell in love with each other through the process of loving our baby. Those two boys turned out to be my best friends.

We had the baby, the house, the dog – everything we needed. That’s not to say that there weren’t many, many fights and heartbreaks along the way but it taught us not to walk away from each other. We stuck together through thick and thin because it wasn’t just about us anymore, it was about our amazing little boy, too.

The more we fell in love, the more undeniable it became that we wanted to extend our family. After a little over a year and a half of frustration and worry, one day the stick read Positive.  My eyes immediately filled with tears and I called my mom screaming and crying. She thought something was wrong but in fact, that was one of the happiest moments of my life. Once she realized that it was good news that my screeching was trying to give her, she was just as happy as I was. My heart was full. I couldn’t believe we had finally been blessed with such a beautiful and amazing gift, not to discredit our son, we just were so eager to add to our beautiful family.

I prayed every single day that this be a happy and healthy baby. I ate nothing but healthy food, started yoga to maintain a peaceful and positive outlook, I exercised and took my prenatal vitamins like clockwork. I did everything I could to protect this incredible little life in my belly.

A few months later at 3 AM, I started feeling a cramp and woke up feeling that I was bleeding. I went to the bathroom and saw a concerning amount of blood. I knew what this meant. Immediately, I started sobbing. My poor mother; I thought that I could toughen up and wait until morning to call her for solace but I couldn’t.

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. One of my happiest times in life had been stripped from me. I hated myself and thought what on earth did I do?! I tried so hard to make sure that my baby was taken care of and safe in my belly but I failed. I called my mother sobbing and asked her to come over (in a time like this, a girl needs her mom). She came over and held me until morning while I sobbed. Then she took me to the doctor to get a DNC. It was one of the darkest days of my life. I trust God blindly but I had a momentary lapse in my faith and wondered why on earth would he take my baby. Is this some horrible form of karma from things that I had done throughout my life? Did I do something wrong? I just couldn’t make sense of it.

A few months later, another test came back positive. This time, there was no jumping up and down, no screaming and crying of unbelievable happiness, just… fear. I was still excited, but the level of excitement has dissipated drastically. Throughout my entire pregnancy, the milestones that I previously would have been ecstatic over, I just… went through. Day to day, being pregnant. Fearing that tomorrow, I might not be anymore and even if I still am, it doesn’t replace the baby that I had lost.

I felt a distance from my baby from not being able to celebrate my pregnancy as I would have before. I was always happy because, I love my children more than life but after the uncontrollable excitement I had felt previously from finally being pregnant after months and months of trying, my excitement was minimized. Even after she was born, I was so happy to meet her but I still felt grief and a little distance. I immediately felt love for her but I also couldn’t help but think that my other baby would be 5 months old right about now.

Now, I have a beautiful little 9 month old girl and a sweet 5 year old boy. I love my family and live a humble and happy life with lots of giggles and smiles. My children make me happy every single day but I will never forget about the baby that I lost.

I choose to believe that my baby didn’t make it because God knew that it wouldn’t be a healthy baby or pregnancy. I choose to attempt to see the bright side of things in a time where it was pure darkness. Some things you will never get back but I learned that they do get better.

We do heal and life does become beautiful again. 

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