I wrote my first, and only, “Mom Health” post in February.
My plan for this Mom Health series is to write a post once a month that not only highlights my own personal progress and setbacks, but things I learn along the way that may help others. This journey is about HEALTH, not weight. I will be focusing on how I FEEL, not how much I weigh. I don’t have any plans to track my weight (that may come later, but we’ll see) because I actually think I look just fine the way that I am. The reason I am doing this is because I feel like crap. All. The. Time. I survive on coffee, ibuprofen, and swear words.
When I wrote that, I really meant it. I was very hopeful that making healthier choices would help me feel better both physically and mentally. And I’m sure it absolutely would have if I had been able to have the willpower to even try. But, as often happens in life, things have not worked out as I had anticipated.
At 9am on Labor Day, I met a friend for coffee. I have no idea what it was that she asked me that started the epic word vomit to erupt out of me, but it did. And the tears. All. The. Tears.
I’m always mad or sad.
I never want to play with my kids.
The only time I feel happy is when I’m mentally checked out.
My normal confidence is gone.
I feel like things aren’t going to get better.
I’m starting to wish I could self-medicate with…anything.
That scares me.
That was it. That was the morning I realized I’m suffering from depression again. I’ve had two previous bouts, the first being a side effect from medication in my early 20’s and the second being postpartum after my first son was born 5 years ago. Of course this time it has been a different experience because I am a mom to two kids and I have two jobs and all the craziness that this phase of life has to offer. But let me tell you, there has been real power in realizing that I have a problem.
That it’s not just me.
I’ve been beating myself up for months for not being good enough, which is very unlike me. I’m not a good enough mom, a good enough wife, a good enough housekeeper, a good enough business partner…you name it. I’m feeling a huge sense of relief that I can seek treatment that will lead me back to myself. In the meantime, I have given myself permission to be not good enough right now. I’ve given myself permission to just rest.
So, my friends, it seems like this Mom Health series is going to encompass a whole lot more than I had intended. It’s a good reminder for me, and perhaps for all of you, that health is about the whole person. I’ll leave you for now with a quote that a friend shared with me…