The day my twins were born, I realized I didn’t have a mothering bone in my body. I always pictured myself as someone that could be nurturing, but do we really know until it’s game time?
I thought I would be this selfless, nurturing, and natural mother – but my experience was anything but that.
First of all, I can’t sing well. Doesn’t every mother sing to their children to quiet their crying? The first few weeks, I tried to sing to my twins to soothe them to sleep – and that was a disaster. Not only did my voice crack from the lack of sleep I endured, but the twins didn’t seem to like to be sung to.
Next, I become instantly stressed when I hear the cries of a child, and what do I do when I am stressed? I don’t want to be touched; however, babies need rocked, patted, and loved on by their mother, while I was like “what do I do with this baby?” I would look at my then-husband, hold the baby out in front of me while my anxiety went through the roof.
At nighttime (don’t even get me started), we are to quietly lotion the baby, sing, cuddle, give them a bottle and lay them to sleep, but I found myself ready for them to be asleep so I could do the mounting laundry and dishes downstairs waiting for me. And they seemed to have a radar detection for this – knowing I was in a hurry – so they often cried a lot and had a hard time going to sleep at night.
So many nights after they went to sleep and I had a second to think about it, I wondered, “Why did God choose me to be a mother… of twins at that?” I struggled in every facet of motherhood, while I looked at Facebook and Instagram of happy babies with their nurturing-looking mothers. What was wrong with me?
My third child came as a surprise, 17 months after the twins were born.
Let me tell you, I was still the same person I was 17 months before, however; I had practice. The twins were all over me all the time and I had grown accustomed to not having my space. I held him more, didn’t have much trouble at bedtime, and I actually sang to him. Who was this person?
I am not saying it was like a light switch that turned on, but I had trained myself how to be more of a nurturing mother, who let the dishes and the laundry wait. As fast as the twins grew, I realized how I needed to slow my pace a little and enjoy the little moments. Yes, there was still crying, but there are headphones for that! I found my stride and realized how much I love being a mother. Watching them grow is the greatest honor I’ve ever had.
I can tell that motherhood looks good on me now, but I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that sometimes I revert back to the new motherhood phase; however, I give myself grace because momming isn’t easy. Give yourself grace if you haven’t hit your stride yet. It will come and you’ll be proud of yourself for all the growth that happens within you.
