On “Leaning Back” from a Career

I can tell you the exact moment it struck me – I was about 38 minutes into a conference call discussing purchasing models for industrial safety equipment when the babysitter texted pictures of the kids at the park. As soon as I wrapped up the call, a single question refused to leave my head: “What the hell am I doing?”

Even though my mom stayed home with us, I never imagined myself as a stay-at-home mom. I always wanted to be Angela, the mom on “Who’s the Boss” (what teenager in the late 80s didn’t dream of hiring a Tony Danza as their future housekeeper?!). So when it came time to have babies, I never thought twice about not working.

The babies came and I threw myself into my career even further, pushing away the guilt and tears that inevitably came when I turned away from my daughters every morning. I worked with hotels to store my breast milk and read bedtime stories via Facetime. My husband was amazing and my employer was extremely flexible, but I couldn’t replace the nagging feeling that I was missing way too many moments in my girls’ lives.

I wanted to see the looks on their faces when a butterfly landed on them at the Conservatory or when they saw those creepy characters at Chuck E. Cheese dance for the first time. I wanted to explore the city with them and have tea parties in the woods and be the person who explained why it isn’t okay to cut your sister’s hair. I wanted to actually use one of the 500 pins on my “Kidtivities” Pinterest board for a fun lunch or craft.

Why is this one of the most contentious topics of motherhood? Why does guilt consume us regardless of our professional pursuits?

My husband’s business started taking off and you’d think we were planning a corporate takeover with the amount of time it started taking to coordinate travel schedules. With no local family to help, we knew one of us had to give – and I was ready. So after approximately 123 hours of discussion, 12 pages of budget planning, several conversations with stay-at-home moms I loved and respected and about 13 bottles of wine, I decided to “lean back” from my career. I told my boss I was quitting. Then we told our team I was quitting. And then we told our clients I was quitting. And it’s one week away and I’ve never felt so excited, scared, anxious [INSERT ANY POSSIBLE EMOTION] in my life.

We’ve all seen the jaw-dropping stats about how little support American women receive in terms of paid work leave when they have babies. I’d argue our current economy also neglects to support women who want to “lean back” from their careers. I’m not opting out, and if there were a part-time option, I would consider that. But that’s for another post.

The reality is that I have NO idea if I’ll be able to hack it as a SAHM. There’s a good chance I last a month before crying for my old job back. I am a terrible cook. It typically takes me an average of six trips back into the house before I can leave for the day – and that’s when I’m just packing up myself. I’m not patient. I am a ridiculously compulsive shopper and terrible at sticking to a budget. There’s a good chance my kids won’t want to spend all day with me!

We all make sacrifices. Time. Money. Professional development. Adult conversation. Front row seats to amazing toddler meltdowns. But at the end of it all, it’s defining that balance that works for you and your family. And that regardless of what you choose to “lean in” to – your career or full-time motherhood – there is no right or wrong. It’s what’s best for you. And I’m comfortable in knowing this is the right decision for me. For my family.

Knowing and being able to do what’s best for us, right now, will make that first heart-shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwich at the park so much sweeter.