Yes, I Spank My Child

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Disclaimer: This post is the perspective of one local parent, however, the American Academy of Pediatrics does not endorse spanking as a form of punishment. You can read their position statement HERE.



Spanking is one of the topics that has recently become taboo in the parenting world. Many people have very strong emotions and beliefs about it and quickly place it into the “abuse” category. Spanking has also gotten relabeled in many circles as “hitting;” and since we teach our children hitting is not okay then we must equally put spanking in that same class. I do not subscribe to this line of reasoning. In fact, I believe that there is and should be a distinction between what we call spanking and what we call hitting. I say this because there are too many children that are hit, I have seen this in my line of work, children who are abused and have been taken advantage of by the adult caretakers in their lives. I believe that these acts are despicable and should not be tolerated. As such I think when spanking gets lumped into the category of “hitting” we are watering down what abuse is and thus missing giving a voice to those children who are not being treated with love. So that I am clearly understood, as I recognize this is a sensitive matter for many, I define spanking as an open-handed slap to the bottom or to the top of the hand.

When I was a child my parents spanked me. I was not spanked often but this form of discipline was reserved for those behaviors which were either unsafe or were deliberately breaking a rule of our household. Spanking was never a form of discipline that was unprovoked. Spanking only occurred because I did something that I was not supposed to. Now, like all children, I cried and pouted that my parents “didn’t love me;” but let’s be honest all children say this at one point or another regardless of what form of discipline you use. Put them in time out, “You don’t love me”… take away the x-box, “you don’t love me”… Ignore them, “you don’t love me.” You see where I’m going with this. I never actually doubted nor actually thought my parents did not love me. In fact, my parent’s loved me and told me they loved me an enormous amount.

Now as a parent myself, I never really questioned whether or not I would spank my daughter. Just as I never really questioned whether I would discipline my daughter.

To me, spanking fell into the category of healthy discipline.

It falls into a bag of discipline techniques that I use as a parent. As an adult and as a loving parent I am able to discern in which moments which technique is appropriate and warranted. I make these decisions because I love my daughter and discipline is part of parenting. As such, I am very intentional and purposeful on the times and reasons when I choose to use spanking as a form of discipline, as I am with any discipline that is done. Here are the basic guidelines that I use:

1. Repeated offenses where my child’s safety is in danger. I believe in natural consequences and lots of times these work on their own. For example, try to balance on a ball, you will most likely fall; run in flip flops you might trip and scrape your knees. Usually, a warning verbal explanation is given and then if the natural consequence occurs that serves to teach my daughter the “cause and effect” of that action. However, there are some safety issues I am not willing to allow for natural consequences to occur if I can help it. When my daughter was around 2 years old, she went through the phase of wanting to run away from us, in fact often she would run towards the road. We obviously could run faster than her and catch her at the time, and we tried initially in 2-year-old words to tell her firmly to not run towards to road. We also had her sit in timeout (which usually actually works very well for my daughter and I will elaborate more on later). Redirection would work sometimes but not consistently. So as her parents, we decided that if our daughter ran from us and did not stop when verbally asked to she would receive a spanking. And she did, we actually only had to spank her 2 or 3 times for this behavior before she connected the dots and stopped running away with just a verbal warning and soon after stopped altogether. The point is this, I am much more okay with my daughter getting a swat on the bottom then risking her being hit by a car the one time I do not catch her in time. The same goes for touching a hot stove, putting things in an outlet. Or like a close a friend of my mine, after seeing her 4-year daughter lean out a second story window without the screen in it.

2. Lying. Now I know that all children lie, they test those boundaries, they make up stories and it’s 100% normal and appropriate development. There is also a difference between a “white lie” or “telling a tale” and straightforward lying. Honesty is something that we value in our family and even when it is hard, it is important to be truthful. When I know that my daughter is lying, I usually give her the opportunity verbally, to tell the truth. I also tell her the reason why I am inclined to think she is not being honest. If the lie continues then she will most likely get spanked.

3. Repeated acts of disobedience after other forms of discipline have been used. As I mentioned above, “time-out” usually works very well for my daughter for most significant behavioral issues. She actually is a kid who wants to do the right thing and she always has been that way. Providing clear verbal expectations generally leads her to make “good” choices. However, there are days with she is just plain defiant. She has ended up in timeout multiple times, has been told multiple times what the expected behavioral expectations are, and we have had multiple conversations discussing how I can help her manage her behaviors and emotions more positively; and still, misbehavior occurs. At this point, spanking is used in our house. It is not a surprise, it is not unexpected. She knows this is what will occur if misbehavior continues to occur.

Spanking is not fun for me, I get no enjoyment from it, I get no sense of power, no sense of “victory.” But I do feel it is necessary at times. I believe I have a daughter who is respectful, kind, empathetic, loving, and well behaved because the option of spanking is in the “bag of discipline” techniques. She is also those things because I keep the value of nurturing just as much as the value of discipline. When any discipline occurs whether it be spanking or otherwise, shortly afterward, I always talk to my daughter and clearly explain why the discipline occurred and that I love her. In fact, when writing this post I decided to nonchalantly interview my 5-year-old daughter on the topic. Here are her responses:

When do you get spanking?
When I do something really bad, like when I am not listening or being really mean to someone.

Does mommy love you?
Yes

Does mommy love you even when you get spankings? How do you know?
Yes. Because you never stop loving me. You just want me to not do not nice things.

Are you allowed to hit people or your friends?
No

Is spanking different than hitting? How so?
Yes. Hitting is when you be mean to someone and push them or hit them in the face. Spanking is only on your bottom and it means just that I am in trouble.

I am not writing this post to try to convince people who do not spank to now choose to spank your children; I trust that you, as their parent, have made your parenting discipline decisions with purposeful thought. What I am asking is that if you are a parent who does not that you yourself do not demonize those parents who do spank. That you do not doubt our love for our children and that we too have purposefully made discipline decisions for our children.

 

46 COMMENTS

  1. Amy- I wish I had read this when my kids were young. I feel the same way and felt very alone. I hope you realize how helpful this will be for others

    • Great article! We tried time outs with our 2 1/2 year old and it did not work. We do spank him if he continues to do something harmful to himself or others or has repeated disobedience. It only happens occasionally but we do believe that spanking is Biblical and that’s the parenting guideline we try and follow. I was spanked as a child and I never felt abused and it did not make me want to hit others. It made me respect my parents and learn that if I do something significantly wrong there are consequences. I want them to learn to obey rules and realize there are consequences for some negative and harmful actions.

  2. Well said!! Some kids need physical discipline! Mine does. Not all the time, but that technique definitely has its purpose, and our daughter is better for it! Some parents are lucky enough to have kids that get the same effect from a verbal reprimand as others do from a spanking. I’ve seen those kids.. Sometimes I wish I had one!! Lol. Doing a spanking right is in no way abuse. I’m glad you mentioned it’s good to explain the why behind the spanking, make sure they know we don’t WANT to have to spank them, and remind them we still love their little stink butts. 🙂 thanks for having the courage to write this!!

  3. Spankings should be rare, but I believe there is a place for them with some children. When my son was four years old, he chose to sneak out of the house while I was busy cleaning. I was terrified. I found him walking down the street several blocks from where we lived. Did I spank his little butt? Darn right I did ! He got his little bare bottom spanked and he never did that again. I would estimate I spanked each of my three children about five times each growing up. I think today, I would be a bit more cautious and a few of those could have been avoided. However, for the most part, I would do it the same way if I had it to do over again.

  4. So this article has hung with me since it was published. Many parents seek advice from the internet or parenting blogs instead of their pediatrician or other supportive professionals. I am worried that this article does not present the research behind the effects (short and long term) of physical punishment on children. If you are considering or looking for validation for this form of discipline please look further than a quick internet search-your child deserves it!

    https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/aap-press-room-media-center/Pages/Discipline.aspx

  5. Spankings should be rare but very memorable. We have a 3, 5 and 8yo. When I spank I will take their clothes and underwear off and use a belt. Usually 2 swats per age. I have never spanked them for something more than once; they always stop the bad behavior. We hardly ever have to spank them.

  6. Spanking as a punishment for bad behavior is not abuse, I use to get beat with a belt I never felt abused, I never feared my parents but I did respect their authority.

  7. Are you a child pshycologist ? If not then I don’t believe you have the authority to make claims that spanking is good for your kid. A lot of research shows spanking is in fact bad in the short and long term.

    • other parents, our parents, grandparents, and the wisdom of the ages have many contributions to the realm of parenting. And we all have experience being parented. Pediatricians and “parenting professionals” are only a couple of sources. And they *frequently* contradict each other. Conservative parenting professionals contradict more liberal ones, and conservative psychologists contradict more liberal ones. Parenting is not an objective science. I am not convinced that spanking studies are objective or that all factors are considered. The issue is way too complex, and good studies will acknowledge that. All spanking parents in Africa, Asia, Latin American, and virtually all parents existing before the previous 50 years cannot possibly all be wrong, as there have been many confidant, well adjusted humans in history. I lived in Tanzania for a while, and EVERYONE spanked. Yet most adults seemed well-adjusted, and I as the singe white person in the village felt spectacularly safe from violence.

      • Here’s some reasons not to spank kids.

        1. Spanking shows that “stronger” is right. When you use physical punishment to show a child he/she did something wrong, you are sending the unintended message that whomever is bigger and stronger decides what’s right and what’s wrong. Does this mean your child can determine what’s right when he or she becomes stronger than you? Could this contribute to why elder abuse is so prevalent?

        2. Spanking demonstrates that older people have a right to hit younger people. You’re sending the message that older, bigger people have the right to hit younger, smaller people. This is especially confusing when you’re disciplining a child for hitting someone. What do you think can happen when your child grows to be bigger than you?

        3. Spanking gives the example that violence solves problems. Spanking also shows children that violence is an appropriate way to solve life’s problems. “If I don’t like what you do, then I’m going to hit you.” Physically punishing your child can be perceived as a form of bullying, sending the message to your child that this is an effective way to get others to do things your way.

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        4. Spanking damages self-esteem. When children are hit by the very people who are supposed to protect them, it causes a child to question, “What’s wrong with me?” Self-esteem is a critically important and fragile thing. If you want your child to succeed in life, the level of his or her self-esteem will be a major determining factor.

        5. Spanking can increase the likelihood of developing mental health symptoms. According to this new study, links have been found from later mental health diagnoses to higher incidents of childhood spanking for disciplinary purposes. I am willing to bet that when spanking your child, your intention wasn’t to create long-term psychological problems.

        6. Spanking damages your relationship and trust. Do you remember being hit as a child? Do you ever remember thinking afterward, “I’m so thankful my parent loves me enough to hit me?” Of course you didn’t! You were probably thinking, “I hate you” or some version of an anti-relationship building comment.

        Of course that doesn’t last long if parents do an overall good job of parenting. However, spanking can shake the foundation of trust between you and your child. Your child trusts you to always have his or her best interests in mind. Spanking can greatly cause your child to question this premise.

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        7. No one can learn when they’re afraid. The work of Dr. Bruce Lipton has shown us that it is biologically impossible to learn and implement higher-order thinking when fearful. The fear response triggers the fight or flight instinct and adrenaline and cortisol flood our bloodstreams and brains. Our blood is diverted to our extremities and higher order frontal lobe thinking is basically shut down in favor of more reflexive responses, originated from our instinctual brain stem area. If you want your child to learn something, it’s critical to reduce fear rather than increase it.

        8. Spanking reduces the influence you have with your children. I have always said, “relationship is the root of all influence.” When you think of those people you listen to, trust and seek out for advice, it’s those people who support and encourage you, not generally those who “smack you down,” either literally or physically. Do you want to have influence with your child? Then you might want to stop hitting him or her, even if it’s for “his own good.”

        9. Spanking teaches children to lie to avoid detection or to avoid you. When you think about punishment, it generally does not deter behavior unless the punisher is present. Most people do what they want to do, unless the risk of detection is high. Punishment teaches children to avoid detection by avoiding his or her parents.

        There was a time in history when we “cured” headaches by drilling holes in people’s heads to let evil spirits out. There was also a time when we sent messages via pony express and/or telegraph. These were effective for the time because it was the best we knew how to do with the information available to us.

        This is 2018. We no longer have to spank children to have them understand the “error” of their ways. We have made advances in parenting. We now know how to communicate in a way that actually teaches, rather than punishes. Doing something because it’s always been done that way and worked out in the past, is not a good reason for continuing.

        The Latin root of discipline means “to teach,” while the Latin root of punishment means, “to inflict pain.”

        Let’s try and practice more humane ways of teaching our children our version of “right” and “wrong” — instead of trying to “inflict pain.” They will thank you. Their children will thank you. And their children’s children will thank you.

  8. Ok Ok. For all those who want to shun the spankers and tell them how studies have shown that it’s detrimental to children… where are the legitimate links to the studies? Ms. Megan posted a link but all it was, was someone’s review of a study. There were no real facts. Like for instance, the frequency of spankings, or the family mental health history of these children. I’m not trying to debunk any study at all, but obviously there are factors and not all situations are a like. I would put money on it that all these children that grew up with problems were spanked consistently and probably often. That is not the same as 3 or 4 times ever… and that’s all the parents who are for spanking want, is for them to not to be put into the same category as the “over-doers”. That’s what this article is about.

    There is a very fine line which is why people are so passionate about it.

    People forget that not all children are the same. Some children are more strong willed than others. And a good percentage of parents who spank their children have tried every other tactic, so posting articles on how to discipline your child without spanking comes off as rather condescending. Because you know, all of the spankers just love to slap their children’s bottoms just for kicks (note the sarcasm).

    I’m from a family of 5 children and I am the middle child. The three older children were spanked and the 2 younger ones not so much because that was right around the time spanking started becoming a huge taboo. To defy statistics… I, and my two older siblings are well rounded individuals. We were only spanked on well deserved repeat offenses, lying or when were we in danger. I can count on 2 hands, maybe 1, how many times I was ever spanked. The youngest two siblings? They both ended up with anxiety and depression and they both can be very self-righteous and disrespectful… And they’re both very much the cliché millennial.

    Obviously we are just one family and not 50 years of history. I’m just stating again that there are factors to be considered.

    I thought Amy did a good job with this article and she communicates with her daughter very well about spanking. She is not saying that her way is better than anyone else’s and I really think that her choices should be respected and not thrown into vat of supposed statistics.

    • Here the discussion was about spanking with a belt on the bare bottom. This is very very different from what this post says and it’s not the same as a simple spanking.

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