“What do you do?” can be a sore question for a stay at home mom.
Do you recount what crazy thing your child did this morning? Do you say what you USED to do or what you plan to do when your child or children are school-aged?
Finding an identity outside of the home or the comforts of a play group is something I have been struggling with. I know that I am more than Ezra’s mama. I am an artist who loves to draw and paint. I poke at wool until it becomes something odd, cute, or beautiful. I wrote two books. These things define me more than who I birthed, but being a mother has defined me and changed me. I am more confident, more relaxed, more open to input from others than I ever was.
When I started writing this piece, I was thinking about a brunch I went to recently. I was the only stay at home mom there, and it made me insecure. I am in awe of the moms who work all day, are able to parent until bed time, and still get housework done. I envy their ability to talk to other adults during the day and not have to worry about whether their child is climbing on another child, the furniture, or someone’s pet. I envy their ability to answer “What do you do?” with something definitive, something others recognize as having value. I envy their income, while I’m being honest, and the agency it gives them to go have their hair cut often and buy clothes and things for themselves that I just don’t feel so comfortable buying because I haven’t been financially contributing to my family.
I worked up until the day before my son was born. I am one of the many mothers for whom working outside of the home would mean that more money would be going to childcare costs than would be coming in. I had planned to work from home, but that ended up being a disaster for me, an extrovert who needs to bounce ideas off of her coworkers (hard to do at 1am while typing on your phone and nursing). Not working was a rough transition for me, but I learned to relax (a little, at least) and to enjoy being with my child.
My time as a SAHM will be coming to an end soon, as my little boy will be going to preschool in the Fall. I will have to embark on a new job, perhaps even a career, and I am excited and terrified. I feel empowered and irrelevant at the same time. I will once again transform who I am to the world, to my family, and to myself, and will have a new answer to “What do you do?”
