The Importance of Boredom

This past Sunday sounded like many of the ones that have come before it. “How long will it take to get there? There’s nothing to do. I’m bored!” Luckily, I only heard the word “bored” uttered twice, and there was no accompanying “are we there yet?” (I can honestly say that before meeting this little girl, I had no idea that kids actually asked this question endlessly. I just thought it was a joke that everyone was in on.) My son was also in the car and just watched his friend as she worked through her agitation.

W has been well trained in the art of amusing himself while in the car. As the only child of a mother who doesn’t believe that it is her job to prevent his potential backseat boredom, he has found many ways of diverting himself. I revel in the fact that he is perfectly content to look out the windows and occasionally comment on the scenery. He uses this time to contemplate life and pretend his hand is a superhero flying through the air. (He is always quick to reassure me that he is only pretending.) Sometimes he talks to me, sometimes he sings, and sometimes he’s so quiet back there that I almost forget he is there at all.

Knowing how to cope when there’s nothing to do is an important (and vanishing) skill and it goes far beyond the backseat of a car. I have seen kids freak out when they were told to turn off their devices or weren’t given them when requested. I have witnessed a child turn savage and demand to be given something to do, only to rudely shoot down any and all suggestions. How is it that a little girl can have a room full of toys, books, dress-up clothes, and craft supplies but bemoans the fact that she has nothing to do because her father refused to give her his smart phone? (Since when was giving a disembodied hand a virtual manicure something to do anyway?)

I firmly believe in allowing kids the opportunity to figure out ways of amusing themselves in the car, at the grocery store, and especially at home, where they probably have far too many “things” to ever be able to credibly say that they have nothing to do. Often, kids are so used to having everything planned out and structured that they have either not developed the skill of entertaining themselves or have forgotten how to do so. It’s important for kids to have unstructured down-time. For one thing, it’s a great stress reducer. It also allows the opportunity for kids to explore their imaginations, develop self-awareness, and allow their creative juices to flow. It can also help with more peaceful transitions from one activity or location to another activity or location. I have seen kids who don’t “transition” well and they tend to be the same kids who always need to have something to occupy them.

While my son is a champ at sitting quietly in the backseat during car rides, he feels a compulsion to go somewhere or do something ALL the time. When I pick him up from after-school care around 5:30, I’m tired from my eight-hour workday. Almost every day as we walk to the car, he asks me, “where can we go?” I usually laugh and tell him that we are going home. He will then start offering suggestions in a frantic attempt to get me to go anywhere other than home. He doesn’t want to go home because home = boring. Conversely, I need to go home to do laundry, mow the lawn, tend my garden, clean the toilets, feed him and myself, etc. I often want to go home because home = taking care of business. More importantly, home is the place where I can relax, take my bra off, and catch my breath.

Virtually all of W’s time is scheduled and regulated. From the time he gets up, gets dropped off at daycare, gets bussed to preschool, gets bussed back to daycare, gets picked up by me, his whole day has been a series of portioned out intervals. He isn’t used to sitting quietly for long periods of time. He isn’t used to choosing what he wants to do with the ten minutes of free time he may be given. Fridays, he doesn’t have preschool and he stays at daycare all day. He dislikes Fridays. He doesn’t like the slow pace or the boring naptime. He begs to be taken to the museum, park, or pool. The weekends are similar. I often have at least one big activity planned for Saturday, but if there is any down-time, he gets antsy and asks if we can move on to something else. It drives me nuts. I crave down-time!

It is not my job to prevent or “fix” my son’s boredom, and as he matures, I will persist with this message. I will continue to schedule regular activities that we both enjoy, as well as sacrificing some of my “free” time to watch him play in the sand at the park because that’s just one of the perks of being a parent. I will persevere to regularly refuse all screen-time and to remain at home, forcing my son to find other ways to entertain himself. The hours I spend sitting on the bench at the pool or standing around at the park could be seen as hours of boredom for me, but I am a master at amusing myself over long periods of time. I fill this down-time with introspection and marvel at how quickly my son is growing up. I also cheat by carrying a bag with a good book, a magazine, and, perhaps, a Sudoku puzzle in it. I’ve also been known to occasionally look at Facebook for a minute or twenty. What?! I was bored!

The struggle is real, but I do think there are important life lessons to be learned from being bored. Most importantly: it is no one else’s responsibility to keep you from being bored. That’s your job!