It was about two years ago on a February afternoon that my kindergartener hobbled down the stairs of the school bus waving a gallon-size freezer bag filled with cartoon notecards and boxes of pink, inedible candy.
“Valentines!” he squealed. “Mom, I got valentines at school!”
I wish I could have immediately shared in his excitement but instead, my stomach sank. Again, I had somehow missed the “mom memo” and failed to send him to class equipped with valentines reciprocation. For those of you who are lucky enough to be unfamiliar with this sensation, allow me to explain.
Between work, cooking, extracurriculars, cleaning, teaching, serving as a home health aid, and babysitting our partners (and all other activities rolled into the idea of “momming”), some things are bound to fall between the cracks. I refer to this as missing the “mom memo.” You may have been on the mailing list, but by fate or another mishap, the info never arrived and you’re left explaining why you didn’t make the bake sale, book club, second team photo, art supply donation, etc.
Missing the mom memo is not a new concept.
Since man grabbed his club to set foot out of the cave, leaving pretty much everything else to mom, the struggle has been real. I would question though whether it’s tougher than ever lately for moms to keep up. The expectation to manage the impossible has never been higher. In the world of emails, texts, social media, and other intrusions, we are no longer permitted to be unavailable. Remember answering machines? Yeah… those. If you were out of the house, whoever was calling to ask about low-fat recipes and jazzercize would just have to wait.
Since the pandemic hit, even most Walmarts are no longer open 24 hours so why do we expect that of moms? I don’t think I’m alone in this – the sensation of perpetual juggling and waiting for the ball to drop.
Why is it that we feel alone? Why do we feel like we’re the only ones who fell just short of the finish line? Surely, we are not isolated in our anxieties. Maybe on some level, we recognize that we aren’t by ourselves but knowledge provides little comfort. Day after day, we are pulled in multiple directions and the overload can be entirely overwhelming.
Eventually, the levee will break, the dam will burst, and the flood will consume us. So, I can’t help but wonder, what can be done to find release and relief? Here are a few simple steps I’ve come up with that may make coping with missed mom memos just a tad bit easier.
First, avoid the media mentality.
Try to notice when you are focusing more on the negatives, the setbacks, and the “almost.” Try to reflect back each night and name at least three or four things that you accomplished. Society blares fear tactics available to the public 24/7. No wonder we have become conditioned to live in fear. The best way to combat damaging rumination is to consciously refocus on something that highlights the good. Give yourself a pat on the back for the steps you took to move forward. You deserve a thank you from yourself.
Second, stop setting the expectation higher than it needs to be.
As I mentioned, I would like to think I’m not alone in the missed mom memos, so keep that in mind – neither are you. It’s important to be aware when we become our worst critics. No one is perfect including you. Furthermore, no one is who they appear to be on Facebook because no one is taking photos and posting about the time they missed their dental cleaning for the second time. So, stop comparing yourself to something that isn’t real. You are doing more than you think and you’re probably rocking it. So be careful when you fall into acting as the defendant, judge and jury.
Finally, don’t isolate.
Let’s face it. It’s really tough making friends as adults. It can be difficult to trust that we will be accepted for the hot mess we sometimes feel we are. Remember to keep in touch with the women in your life who love you, support you and know you well. Ignore the impulse to hide when you are feeling “less than” because alienation will only make it worse. Reach out. Say yes to outings. Indulge in a hobby. Meet new faces. It’s okay to be simultaneously fearless and vulnerable.
In hindsight, the missed valentines were no longer important by the end of the week. I was onto the next thing I would get 80% done. So, supermom, if you happened to bomb at checking the mail for the latest mom memo, at least make sure you get this one: Be kind to yourself and write your own message.
