I distinctly remember being pregnant with my son and making a passing comment to a friend about how he was kicking me like crazy and was driving me a little nuts. Her response was, “Just wait until he hits the terrible two’s!” He wasn’t even born yet and I was already getting warnings about this hurdle I would supposedly experience in about two years. I heard that statement many times more, but optimistically naively thought my baby boy would breeze right through. Not quite.
At two and a half, my son can be a handful. After about a month of saying the same excuse to myself and everyone around us, “Oh, he’s hit those terrible two’s!” I started to research ways to help. It was one of those many moments as a parent when you feel clueless and that you have no idea what you’re doing. The more I read online and in books, the more frustrated I became. Until I read one piece of advice that said I should start observing my own behavior as a parent when he is acting this way. While this thought made me nervous, I gave it a try.
After just one hour of really analyzing what I did and said, I had a major realization. Here’s a sample of our conversations to see if you can catch it…
Me: We’re going to the gym now, okay?
Son: NO! I want to watch Mickey!
Me: Let’s get ready for bath time, how’s that sound?
Son: I want ice cream!
Me: We have to leave the park now, okay buddy?
Son: Don’t want to leave, swing!
I’m guessing you caught on. I was unknowingly asking my son to make every decision throughout our day. I turned every single statement to him into a question, as if I was playing a toddler version of Jeopardy. While I was pretty sure I hadn’t figured out all of the answers to our terrible two dilemma, I was off to a good start.
It is a hard thing as a parent to admit that you may be the problem, but I had to take some of the blame with this one. They say to give toddlers some choices, so that they feel ownership but I was giving my son all of the choices. I was setting myself up for a temper tantrum by asking his permission before doing anything; disagreeing with me was his favorite game.
Armed with this revelation, I set out to change my behavior to see if it would change his. I focused very hard (starting with one hour), to only use assumptive statements with my feisty two year old, rather than ending each one with “okay?” The immediate change was remarkable. Out of the ten times I said something to him, he cooperated nine times! I actually think it was harder for me to change my habit than it was for him to follow directions.
Parenting is a job that we are hired for without any previous experience, references or specific college degree. It is hard, and yes, the terrible two’s are pretty terrible. My son still acts out and disagrees, but as I continue to review my own parenting, strengthen my skills and adjust bad habits, I continue to see improvement. We are quick to blame poor behavior on our tiny children who are learning how to act in this big, crazy world. It was time for me to give my little guy a break and remember that as he’s learning, I am too.
Good observations. This is something that was pointed out to me a few years ago with my son. I was asking his permission for EVERYTHING instead of just telling him. It is a hard lesson for us parents and my change in approach has changed our dynamic. My son still wants to argue, but I come right out and tell him that he isn’t the one making the decisions. I also prep him before we go into a situation and give him warnings about our imminent departure. For example, when going to the park I let him know that we won’t be staying too long and that when I say we are leaving, we are leaving with no tears or yelling. When I decide it’s time to go, I get his attention and hold up my hand to indicate the number of minutes he has left. Sometimes, when I anticipate a tougher time, I will give him an additional two minute warning. When/If he starts to give me trouble about leaving, I will remind him of the conditions that he agreed to for coming to the park. It’s not always perfect, but it has helped to curb his behavior and mine as well.
P.S. If you don’t change this behavior now, it will continue to plague you. I know two older kids who choose not to do what their father asks of them because his language and delivery makes everthing a choice.