Why I Refuse to Engage in “Mommy Wars”

Dear E and J,

It’s my sincere hope that by the time you’re both old enough to read and understand this (E, I know, could already read a lot of it) the “Mommy Wars” will be no more than a cultural blip, the bat of an eye against the constant shutter of the new, the now, the next argument to have. But, in case that’s not how things play out, I’d like to organize my thoughts so you can know why your Dad and I made some of the choices we’ve made. First there was this and then of course the slightly more riled rebuttal. I could go on to tell you the list of reasons, the back and forth considerations your father and I had in talking about how and when and if I would go back to work after you were born. And later I’ll bring up some points about what might have made some of those very, very difficult conversations and choices a bit easier. But ultimately, it doesn’t really matter. We made the the choices that we felt were best for our family under our specific circumstances.

To use the poker analogy, we’ve played the hand we were dealt, and on occasion (this summer’s idyllic family beach vacation) we give ourselves the latitude to think that so far we’re playing it reasonably well. I also acknowledge that most other parents are playing the cards they’ve been dealt, and are doing the best they can, whether working full or part time outside the home, working from home, stay-at-home mom or dad, single parents or married. And further, I think most actual parents whom I’ve talked with or met even in passing share that same acknowledgement. We all know it’s hard. There are some days when all the choices are bad. We get it. So that, dear children, is why I don’t engage in conversations about the so-called,”Mommy Wars” – Because. They. Are. Not. Real.

These “wars” are the traffic of the blogosphere, online articles, news features, and social media. It’s not that judging the parenting skills (or talent or attractiveness or wealth or whatever) of others is new. Rather, like so many means of human interaction, judging and gossiping has exponentially exploded with first the Internet and then its evolution into social media and mobile communication. And truthfully, I’m not opposed to judging. According to the ole’ reliable Myers-Briggs personality inventory, I’m an INTJ – and that J is for Judging, people! I am, however, a big fan of silent judging. The best thing about silent judging is . . . the silence. It’s even possible, when one can’t be restrained from expressing judgement somehow, to communicate a lot with a single, silently-judgey look. All moms have this look, because we can direct it with laser-precision at misbehaving children. Once upon a time, before the Age of the Interwebs, moms who wanted to judge others’ parenting did so 1) silently 2) with each other over coffee or drinks or 3) with their partners. And I suspect such conversation didn’t fill all that much of most people’s days.

Now, because we live in a time in which it’s possible for everyone to share their opinions with EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD all at once, well, that makes opinions that much more important, doesn’t it? No. Actually, it doesn’t. While I have tried to make the best decisions I could for our little family, when it comes to everyone else, I don’t honestly care who works and who stays home, so long as there is a home filled with love. I don’t care who makes their own graham crackers (I’m looking at you, Weelicious Lady) and who eats exclusively boxed or canned foods. I don’t care who is practicing attachment parenting or who sleep trains or who is a tiger mom or a free range hunk of granola. At the very least, I don’t care enough about any of those things to take someone to task – online or in person – for a differing opinion. We all know what opinions are like.

But, there ARE things that I do care about, and my fear for you – E and J – for all who follow my generation, is that in our navel-gazing, sputtering outrage over the trivial, we surrender time and mind-space that could be allocated to things that are truly important, things that could change the quality of someone’s life, or maybe change the world. To come back to our family and my decisions about working while raising kids, in a perfect world, I would have loved to take more like 6 months to a year off after having each child, if that were a choice available to me with the expectation that I’d have a job to come back to. Unfortunately, that’s not an option for most U.S. women since the Family Medical Leave Act guarantees only 12 weeks of (unpaid) leave for new mothers.

What if, instead of spending time writing a blog post or snarky comment about how one family’s lifestyle/diet/educational choices are so superior/inferior, each of us took those few minutes a day to identify a cause we care deeply about, something that might lift up all women, parents, and children? What if we used those few minutes to write a congress-person, or send a note to help organize a community initiative? When I look beyond myself and my opinions at the bigger picture, what I care about is extended maternity leave for moms and paternity leave for new fathers (the US ranks among the worst 10 nations in terms of length of maternity leave guaranteed, and it’s still uncommon for paternity leave to be offered anywhere). I want to know that children are not going hungry in our country, if not the world (14.3% of U.S. families are rated in “food insecure” status by the USDA).  I want for there to be quality, caring, and affordable child-care options for anyone who wants to work and has a job to go to. That’s not all of course, but it would be a start.

One of my sister-in-law’s – your Aunt Pam’s – favorite quotes is “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I love this quote too, since I do believe it’s something we should all aspire to – even if we sometimes (often) fall short. And again, that’s why I don’t engage in “mommy wars” or whatever this unwinnable, fictitious competition is supposed to be. I want to spend whatever time and energy I have left after loving and raising our family – and yes, nurturing my career too – in a positive way, contributing to some larger change that I can feel good about, or even just making one other person’s day. I want all of us to be the kind of people who build others up, rather than seeking to tear them down. I challenge the both of you – and therefore, of course, myself – to “be the change” and let the judging be silent, while encouragements and contributions for others speak for themselves.

Love,

Mama