You Would Be Five


When we decided we were ready for a baby, I never considered the challenges. Of course I knew they existed, but those close to me hadn’t experienced (or didn’t talk about) things like infertility, miscarriage and stillborn. Those are scary words, filled with so many emotions and fears, so understandably people don’t like to use them. However, over the past few years, I’ve noticed a shift. More families – more moms – are talking about their experiences, their struggles. I wish this would have been the case almost six years ago…


We tried for three years. After some intervention, the day finally came – pregnant. I had just lost my job and the timing, though scary, seemed perfect. We’d figure it out because our dream had come true. The weeks that followed were a blur. Indecisive ultrasound, low numbers, more blood work…slowly the dream faded away. It turns out, this baby was so perfect, he/she was just too good for this world of ours.

Sweet baby…you would be five this month. You’d be in your last year of pre-school, charming everyone you’d meet, I’m sure. Despite your physical absence, you’ve filled my heart…and taught me so much.

You taught me it was possible. 34 pregnancy tests – you were positive. You showed us that we could – and would – be parents.

You taught us to grow even closer. Our family was broken down, but we were strong enough to build back up. You gave us that gift.

You taught us to share. I have always told others about you. I am not ashamed of you or weary of telling others your story – you bring others comfort and hope.

You taught us to keep trying. We didn’t give up, because you pushed us. We sent you a sibling a few months later, and then had your brother and sister. We love you just as much.

You taught me the true meaning of life. I didn’t get it before, I didn’t know how precious it really is. Having a baby is a miracle, it is truly amazing…and should not be taken for granted.

Our little ones that are not with us right now, they’ve taught us a lot. I know more mothers who have gone through this than haven’t. That fact is both incredibly sad and hopeful. As a community of mothers, we are in this together. It’s important to share our journeys of motherhood, and tell stories of ALL of our babies. Thankfully, our hearts may stay the same size, but they are capable of holding an infinite amount of love.

Happy 5th birthday, baby.

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I am a native Cincinnatian and thanks to a lot of moving, I know this city pretty well. I grew up on the Westside, attended Walnut Hills High School, and then headed to Oxford for an education degree at Miami University. After a few years in Hyde Park, my husband and I are settled in Northern Kentucky for the time being. One of the great things about the Cincinnati area is the abundance of wonderful neighborhoods, schools and family friendly activities! My husband, Andrew, and I have a son, Aiden (2) and our baby girl, Audrey. We didn’t exactly plan all of the “A” names, but it allows us to keep our family nickname – the A-Team. I am an elementary school teacher, but am on a leave of absence right now to be home with my kids. My days are filled with entertaining my babies, taking way too many pictures on my phone and changing a lot of diapers. Thanks to recent open-heart surgery, I have an aortic valve that ticks (like a clock!), I have ornithophobia (Google it) and I broke my hip when I was 18 (I will never ice skate again). But, I do love photography on my “real” camera, pretending I’m a good enough chef to have my own cooking show and playing outside. I turned to writing/blogging in order to document my family’s journey to better health and as motivation to keep myself on track. You can read more about my personal journey at I look forward to sharing the adventure of motherhood with you!


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