10 Things Your Wife Doesn’t Want For Christmas

I don’t subscribe to many blogs. There are a few daily, weekly, monthly newsletters that end up in my inbox strictly because one time I signed up to win a trip to Fiji – which never happened – or because I wanted $5,000 to spend on new furniture and decor – also, never happened. However, there is one parenting resource that I recently began paying more attention to. It began professionally and turned into something that I thoroughly enjoy reading.

Fatherly, of all parenting blogs, is amazing. Yes, it’s supposed to be for fathers, but we’re not all into reading about breastfeeding, soft parenting, the newest type of charter school or super easy, super cute DIY projects. Sometimes, us moms want a little more straight forward, no BS, everything-is-okay-for-your-kids-and-I-mean-everything outlook. Dads tend to have this. I’ve never heard of a sanctidaddy.

But, Fatherly got it wrong recently with one of their posts about The Best Holiday Gifts For Men To Give Their Wives. I’m a yoga instructor and there’s no way in hell I’m letting my husband pay $397 for a SmartMat. An enormous chunky knit blanket? Just one more thing for the dog to waller on, the cat to pee on, or the kids to slowly unravel with their tiny fingers and toes. So, in the spirit of Christmas, I’m starting off my list of 10 things to never, ever, ever get your wife with another of Fatherly’s Chistmas list fails:

1. The Cover Clamp – I don’t need a clamp to whack my husband and tell him to stop hogging the covers. Maybe he’d prefer it, but I’m okay with the current situation.
2. $25 Gift Card To A Nail Salon – Let me be very clear: If you haven’t splurged for a few hours at a day spa that includes a massage, facial, mani, pedi, and possibly a steam bath, just don’t bother.
3. Lingerie – It’s not for her, it’s for you. Just don’t.
4. Day Planner – It might sound like a helpful accessory but on the contrary. She can write down all of the kids activities, your schedules so she knows where you are at all times, her pilates class times and the occasional PTA meeting, sounds great! Except I bet she has an iPhone with all of that anyway. And she’ll probably take it as a slap that she needs to be more organized.
5. A Robe – Unless she’s your grandma, she doesn’t want it. What she does want is a night away in a snazzy hotel with a robe that she can leave on the floor for someone else to wash and put away.
6. Anything That Requires Assembly – You don’t honestly think she wants to put it together, do you?
7. A Mug With One Of Those Quirky Sayings On It – These are overdone and she probably already has a mug to drink her coffee out of. She definitely has one to hide her liquor.
8. Leg Warmers – She isn’t 12.
9. A Bikini – Unless you’ve attached that trip to Fiji, it’s not worth it.
10. Diamonds, Of Any Sort – You’re thinking, “This is a joke, right?” Well, yes, of course it’s freaking joke. Go. Buy. Diamonds.