To My Sons’ Step-Mother,
This letter has taken me some time to write. I’ve taken the time to compose my thoughts and meditate and think about what I want to say. The last several months I’ve spent taking in everything that has occurred. I’ve made myself take a step back and see things from all angles possible. And it’s pretty obvious what I want to say to you.
For what you may ask? Thank you for loving my boys and treating them as your own. Thank you for being a positive role model in their lives.
It’s hard for me to be apart from them on the days they are with their father and you. It’s not easy going to bed at nights not having kissed them goodnight or tucked them in. So many things happen each and every day that I wish my boys could be a part of, but that’s obviously not feasible.
As you are aware, divorce is never easy. It’s not easy on the parents, and especially not easy on the children, no matter how old they are when it happens. Sure, the ideal situation would include not having to share our children with other parents, but that’s not us.
I’m not going to lie. When I first found out that my boys would have a step-mother, I wasn’t sure how to respond. I mean, I knew that this day would come at some point. But I also didn’t want another person in their lives. I had a difficult time seeing another “mother” who would help raise my children. I never had a close relationship with my step-mother, and I think that relationship clouded my vision. You truly care about my boys and love them. A hard pill to swallow at first, but easier now, as time has progressed.
It’s not easy sharing my amazing boys with anyone else. But I’m sure by now, after being in their lives the past 2 years, you are well aware of how amazing they are. You know first hand how intelligent they are, how loving and caring they can be, and how genuine they are.
Not only have you welcomed my boys with open arms, but your family has as well. I am happy that my boys have an extended family that loves and cares for them as their own. They have been included in family functions, celebrations, and holidays. They have never once been excluded, and for that, I am truly grateful to you and your family. Your daughters have welcomed my boys and embraced the title of “step-sisters.” The boys love their new sisters, and to me it’s refreshing to see everyone get along so well.
And of course, we will always share a common bond with each other: my children’s father. We both care for him, but obviously on different levels. This is something that will always be a constant in our lives, no matter what. He will always be the father of my boys, and for that reason, there will always be that connection. By loving him, you have, in turn, agreed to love my children. Not out of necessity, as some step-parents have found themselves, but out of genuine compassion for all of them as a whole.
To be honest, I think we both know that we’ll probably never be the best of friends and that’s okay. We don’t have to be BFF’s to get along and work towards a common goal…..raising our children to be respectful, honest, loving, caring individuals. And that’s something we BOTH desire in our children’s lives. That’s something any mother would want for their children. And together, we can raise our children to be just that.
Will we disagree on things over the years to come? Absolutely! We are two different people and we both have our own ideas and thought processes around everything we do. But what we can agree on is how we want our children to treat others and how their behavior will affect everyone in their lives.
I only ask for a few things from you, as their step-mother.
- Continue to love them and treat them with respect.
- Continue to respect me and my opinions, especially as their mother.
- Know that at times I will be frustrated, given our chaotic custody situation and schedule, but this frustration is not me being upset with you.
- My life revolves around these boys, my miracle babies. These boys are my whole world, and I would move heaven and earth for them if I ever find it necessary.
- You need to realize that my relationship with their father is always going to be there. We will always be in each other’s lives for as long as our children are living, so that’s going to be a long while. I’m not going anywhere.
- We aren’t enemies. We are part of a co-parenting situation, and we need to continue to work in a positive direction for everyone’s sake, as we have from the beginning.
But most of all, I want you to know that I don’t hate you. I have never hated you. Have I disliked our situation? Absolutely, but that’s of no fault of your own. Your only “fault” is falling in love and marrying my children’s father. I can’t fault anyone for that. I harbor no bitterness towards you and your daughters (or your whole family for that matter)!
Yes, I dislike that I have to share my children as I can be a selfish person, but with boys as amazing as mine, can you blame me? In the end, I just want them to always feel loved. They need to know that their parents (step-parents included) support them and want the best for them, no matter what. I never want them to feel neglected or pushed aside. I just want my boys to always feel safe and protected.
And I think, this is something we agree on and can support each other on. Loving our children, no matter what the circumstance. It’s all we can ever offer our children as parents. And I know, that you and I, together, can love these boys like a mother (and step-mother) should. Unconditionally and without fail.
Your Step-Sons’ Mother