2014 was a really rough year for me, and when I clawed my way out of depression at the beginning of 2015, I had such high goals for myself. I really thought I was going to be able to accomplish all of them – my husband knew better. I made a list, gave myself weekly checklists, felt so motivated, and asked my husband to keep me accountable. My calorie and exercise goals went great for the first eight months of last year, but then I got comfortable and plateaued.
I made my husband all these grand promises of all I was going to do to take care of him and our house better… and I failed miserably. I would do a lot in spurts, feel like I really accomplished something, and then get comfortable again. My lack of consistency is my biggest regret from 2015. Analyzing the past year here at the beginning of 2016, I had to take a real, hard look at myself – and I didn’t like a lot of it.
Professionally, I accomplished a lot. I illustrated several books for another author… but never finished my second one as I had promised myself. Physically, I made a lot of strides towards getting my health back after the ravages of 2014. Mentally, I felt so incredibly strong again. I was back at church and volunteering. However, when it came to the most important thing in my life (besides God), I did not put in the effort that I should have – effort that my family and marriage deserved. I am very disappointed in myself. As my husband says, though, “You cannot look back. You can only move forward.”
I have such an amazing husband – my partner, best friend, and best father I could ask for our child – and yet I fail him time and again. He is always so patient with me, he encourages me, he challenges me to constantly be better, and he has never given up on me. My husband is only human, and I can’t expect him to be patient with me forever. The responsibility falls on me to take ownership of my shortcomings and give him the respect he deserves by making myself twenty times better this year than I was last year.
I realized that I spend so much time showing him how much I love him in the ways I WANT to show him that I forget all the Love Languages wisdom I once learned. I’m not really showing him love, if I am not dedicated to showing him love how HE NEEDS to feel loved. He doesn’t ask a lot of me, but he gives everything of himself for me and our family. I do not know what I would do without him, and I never want to find out. He truly is my best friend, and I am focusing a lot more this year on him and the woman I need to be for our family to be at its best. I haven’t been the best wife, I could do a lot better as a mom, and I’ve been a terrible housewife. Yes, I’m busy, and I could make all the excuses in the world for myself – but what good would that do, if I hurt the one person that has never given up on me and gives me his all without any excuses whatsoever.
A hard thing about coming back from a really dark depression is finding ways to be proud of yourself while not becoming comfortable. It is a delicate balance between finding little things to make me feel good about myself and still knowing how far I am from my goals. This year, I need to put first things first. I will make my marriage, my family, and my home my top priorities once again. I can do it! Consistency will be the key for me this year!