My husband and I were very happy and excited when we got a positive pregnancy test. It took awhile to get here and it was a true roller coaster of emotions fueled by meds, appointment, instructions, false positives, hope, anger, and resignation. This positive test made the difficult journey so worth it.
We did our first ultrasound around six weeks into the pregnancy with no idea of what was coming. The ultrasound started and the first thing the doctor told us was, “Well, I see two sacks.”
Without any other details, we knew that there were two babies inside of me.
Shock is an understatement when trying to describe how we felt. Don’t get me wrong. We know the blessing of being pregnant and having biological children. Still, we were not expecting two of them. Certainly not at the same time. As soon as the doctor told us the news, I immediately started crying. It was tears of shock, fear, confusion and, of course, some joy. I was very happy that he was able to find two heartbeats and everything seemed ok with them. However, fear definitely overcame whatever emotion of joy I was feeling.
People ask me all the time if we were surprised (absolutely!), if twins run in our family (no!) or how we felt about it. The last question is the hardest one to answer, at least for me. The best way I can describe what I felt was using the stages of grief model. I don’t think I could apply every stage but it was a very similar process.
First comes shock.
It was a physical and mental paralysis of having the news. It happened to me immediately after the delivery of the news and lasted about 2-3 days. At first, I was trying to understand how in the world my body was going to do it. Then how my life and my career path would be changing. Not only I was having all these thoughts but more importantly, I feared something could happen to the babies. There was a higher probability of losing 1 or 2 of the babies, health complications, and everything else that comes with a high-risk pregnancy. Finally, I couldn’t start to comprehend how I was going to take care of twin newborns while also taking care of our almost 3-year-old boy.
Then the anger stage came.
To be clear I was not necessarily angry but I was very irritable and anxious. The more time that passed, the more time I could think about all the things that could go wrong. And then, almost immediately, I would feel guilty and sad about feeling the way I was feeling when so many people wanted kids and couldn’t conceive them. More so, because I am a true believer that children are a gift from God.
It wasn’t until I moved to the dialogue and bargaining stage that I started to find some peace.
Telling friends and family the good news in an honest and raw way, allowed me to tell my story and talk about my feelings without fear of being judged. It was awesome to receive understanding, encouragement, and love from them. This, in combination with my husband’s love and God’s grace,…
I was able to move towards the last stage, acceptance.
It was here, about 2-3 months into the pregnancy, that I was able to start making plans about our next few months. Thinking about room arrangements, purchasing of furniture, a new car and finding out the gender of the babies, got me excited and helped me to begin enjoying the process.
With time, more and more people have continued to show us support and love. What was once fear and anxiety has been overcome with excitement and anticipation. I still go through the roller coaster of emotions just because that’s the nature of a high-risk pregnancy but I have been blessed not only with two healthy growing babies but with a healthy pregnancy. There are still times when fear and anxiety cripple in but I am better at identifying those emotions and replacing them with positive ones.
I can’t wait to meet our babies in March and start our new life as a family of five!