On a recent morning, just before the holidays, I was up at 3 am, cleaning up the dishes from the night before. The things that I had in my mind became too much and after an hour of cleaning, I woke my husband up, at 4 am… because I was so stressed out.
The previous day had started with me realizing that I had miscalculated my remaining balance my checking account while buying Christmas presents online and after finishing my shopping, I did not have as much money as I had planned. I was pretty grumpy the rest of the day because whenever I feel low on cash, utter panic ensues (even though I had already paid for all my necessary expenses). I felt poor most of my childhood, so anything that I feel like I am short on cash, I become disappointed in my every financial decision. That let me to thinking about my student loans that have been looming over my head. I am afraid that I am going to be paying off my loans for most of my life, which will result in my kid not receiving any financial assistance from me with college, which will result in them inheriting their own debt to start off their young lives- exactly what I did not want for them.
Later that day, in the afternoon, I had 5 minutes left to get my groceries in the window of time that I had selected to pick up my order. I was proud to have gotten all three of my kids to the car so quickly after my 2-year-old took an unusually long afternoon nap. I then opened my van door to find that 2/3 of my kids’ car seats were not in the van- the same van that my husband had asked to borrow over the weekend and promised to put the car seats back in the car by Sunday evening (it was now Monday). Ugh, this was about all that I could take. I was so stressed and upset for the better part of the day.
After my kids went to sleep, I felt guilty that yesterday was the first day of my two-week winter break. We could have been having fun and doing some kind of Christmas activity, but I instead chose to be the Grinch with no Christmas spirit in sight. I ended the day upset and disappointed with myself for being a terrible mom, person, and adult. I went to bed right after my oldest two did, sometime around 8 pm. I just grabbed a blanket and looked forward to starting a new day.
After admitting defeat and going to bed, I woke up wide awake at 3 am, I pumped since the baby was asleep, and then I started to clean, and think… and eventually I was thinking about everything from the day and my head was spinning. I told my husband everything that was on my mind – that I was sucking at everything, that I can’t keep the house clean, that having three kids is hard right now, that our kids were going to start off their 20s with more debt, that I am not doing as well financially as I had hoped for 33. He listened to everything and didn’t tell me to stop crying, or ask why I felt the need to wake him up to talk about it, he just held me and we talked about each thing, till about 5 am, in the dark in our bedroom. I went through at least 10 tissues. I had never told my husband that I felt like I was doing a terrible job as a mom before (granted I was a bit caught up in the moment – I don’t think that I am a terrible mom), but it felt good to finally let him know that I wanted to be better and that I did not know how to do it.
10 hours later, my eyes were a bit sore, my head hurt a bit, but my mind felt so much better. I feel like I need a good cry every now once and awhile. It helps to somehow hit the refresh button on a new day and a new opportunity to make fun memories with the kids. It is also another chance for me to choose to clean the house (and keep my sanity) rather than take a nap.
