I love lists. I love making them. I love writing them out. I love checking off completed tasks. To-do lists, grocery lists, honey-do lists – l love them all. I love paper for lists, pens for lists, color-coding, highlighting, underlining, arrows, bullet points – I love it all.
It’s how my mind works most efficiently. And I’m a person who values efficiency. And I never have trouble generating a list. Before I became a mom, that meant I was never bored. I always had something to do – I just had to look at one of my lists.
But I am a mom now. And I think the lists are becoming a problem.
I have a job, for better or for worse, that consumes me when I’m there. So on the days I do work, I don’t see my son much. In fact, I don’t get to do or think about much of anything besides work. That makes the days I don’t work all the more precious. It means trying to take advantage of the opportunity to spend time with my toddler. But it also means that those are the only days in my week I have to complete all my to-do lists.
And that is becoming a big struggle.
Here’s what I imagine happening with my son on my days off: I see us frolicking around our backyard in the sunshine, giggling, running through the sprinkler, our toes in his kiddie pool. Or cooking at his play kitchen together, or zooming toy cars around his play mat with him (but not parking them in his garage – he’s territorial about that). Because I want to be soaking up every moment I possibly can spend with my little man.
But I’m not.
Instead, I’m watching the clock. My lists proverbially burning a hole in my pocket. My anxiety creeping higher and higher. Getting frustrated that I can’t multi-task more effectively. I count down until naptime. (That’s when I run around the house like it’s on fire – trying to finish cleaning, finish laundry, watch TV, blog, text, Facebook, nap… all before I see my son stir on the monitor.)
Then the guilt sets in – guilt that I’m not giving my son my undivided attention, guilt that I think he’s not having any fun and he should be. Guilt that my husband didn’t marry the kind of woman who can effectively engage their son, finish laundry and go grocery shopping all at the same time. I have enough mommy guilt for all of us. And then some. Enough for all the mommies who live on all the islands in the South Pacific.
I’m also a person who likes to have all the answers. But the problem is I don’t have all the answers when it comes to my extreme type-A personality. I don’t know how to tell my to-do lists to get lost when all I want to do is live in the moment – and make silly noises with my kid (or take a nap).
I used to think if I just gave up working and stayed at home that would solve all my problems. But I don’t think it would. Even if money would not be an issue, the lists wouldn’t magically dissolve into thin air. Yes, theoretically, I would have more time to complete tasks. But I think I would just find more or different items to put on the lists. Yes, I could retrain my brain, but that’s easier said than done.
