“A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven’t. Most don’t mention it, and they go on from day as if it hadn’t happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had. But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she’ll know.” -Barbara Kingsolver
My first child was just 8 months when I found out was expecting my second child. I knew, the second I saw the “pregnant”, not to get my hopes up. I never worried much about miscarriage with my first pregnancy. Yet the second I found out, with my second, I began to worry.
I assumed that if I was going to miscarry, it would happen like most. I held my breath when I went to the bathroom, in the first weeks. Part of my job was administering chemotherapy. Because you can’t give chemo during pregnancy, I had to share with my coworkers, immediately. Each announcement felt like a nail on a coffin. I was convinced that the more people I told, the more likely I would miscarry.
As the weeks went on, I began to feel more optimistic. I was feeling queasy. I had food aversions. There were no physical signs that anything was wrong. My trips to the bathroom were no longer nerve-wracking. I was just nervous.
We made it to the first appointment, at ten weeks. I had blood drawn, answered questions, and had a pelvic exam. The final part was the ultrasound. By now, I was sure that all my initial feelings were worries.
We saw the same image as my first ultrasound with my first child. The size and the shape were nearly identical. Perfect. I was right on track with 10 weeks. Before I could breathe a sigh of relief, I saw the smile on my OB’s face fade. There was no sound. This was the part where we would hear a heartbeat. There was none. “I’m sorry,” he said.
I had a missed miscarriage. Within the past week, the baby stopped growing. The heart stopped beating. My body held onto this pregnancy.
A D&C was scheduled after more bloodwork. I walked around, for almost a week, with this strange feeling of being pregnant but not being pregnant, at the same time. I was carrying a dead piece of me. I knew I could start the process of passing the pregnancy before my surgery. Trips to the bathroom were, once again, nerve wracking. I canceled plans, in fear it would happen in public. I didn’t want to be around anybody. I never knew when I would start sobbing. Yet, at the same time, I craved company. When I was alone, it was all-consuming. There were so many mixed and conflicted feelings.
I made it to the day of my D&C, still “pregnant.” By now, I was ready for it all to be over. The procedure, itself, was easy. I was put under. I woke up, with tears, streaming down my face. This was the end of this chapter, a chapter that would forever haunt me and bring tears to my eyes years after.
The weeks following were filled with a mix of emotions. I wanted to be left alone, yet I wanted to be comforted. I was bitter. I blamed myself. I wanted to get pregnant again. I felt guilty for wanting that. I wanted the baby I lost. What I would give to still be pregnant. I got pregnant the month after my D&C. I was terrified. I was excited. I was heartbroken for the child I should have had.
As the months went on, I still struggled. I felt like my unborn son was replacing the baby I lost. I felt bad that I felt that way about my son. On May 14th, 2012, exactly one year since finding out I was pregnant with the baby I lost, I was admitted to the hospital for my induction with my son.
Years passed, and I now have four children. It still hurts. It always will. January 15th was my due date. Not a January 15th will go by in which I don’t grieve.
My grief is not your grief. Your grief is not mine. We all feel and process our loses in very different ways. There is no right or wrong way. There is no timeline.
Each one of our feelings are valid. When somebody tells you that you should be lucky, or your loss is insignificant, that is not true. There is one certainty in this all. You are not alone.
My baby would be six.
